TO THE EDITOR: Ziggy-With-A-Hat is pure shit [see page 43]. This is the least funny comic in your otherwise fine publication. Of course, coming in at a close second is Dwarf Attack. Cancel them both. An empty space would be less insulting to my, and every other reader's intelligence. I hope you're not paying these so-called artists for this trash. I'd rather you print the fucking Family Circle.
And while I'm at it, I'd like to respond to the person who requested better paper stock ["Letters," Nov 22]. Don't you know about the Mercury's money-back guarantee? Didn't pay for it? Then shut the fuck up. Maybe you should be spending less time writing in about paper stock and more time cleaning your Dodge Omni.
Angry About Everything
CHILL AND COLLECT THE CHECKS
TO THE EDITOR: Many thanks to "Money for Nothing" [Letters, Nov 22] for his great idea! Thanks to him, I am considering emulating his fine example and getting fired, collecting unemployment checks, sleeping in, smoking hash, and spray-painting subversive graphics all over the city. What higher purpose can one have?
I urge all farmers, carpenters, bus drivers, letter carriers, doctors, and nurses to share in this great idea. This country has been way too uptight about eating and staying warm. It's time for us to chill out, have a good time and just let the government computers send us checks.
Utopians R Us
A LETTER TO MAYOR KATZ, FROM JACKASS #1
TO MAYOR VERA KATZ: [RE: Portland cops refusal to question some 200 people of Middle Eastern descent. See page 7 for details.] It is apparent that you are a bleeding heart, left wing, touchy-feely, Clintonesque, "it takes a village to harbor a terrorist" liberal. I bet if two jetliners crashed into Portland and killed four thousand of your constituents, you would have a different view of the world.
Do you know what really fries my rear-end about people like you? You do not have faith in our government or way of life. Do you think that the FBI wants to take all Arabs into custody and torture them until they reveal the "truth"? I would be perfectly willing to sit down and speak with the authorities, if I could help. How about you? Or maybe you have something to hide.
I'm of the opinion that Federal funds (my tax dollars) should not be provided to un-American communities such as yours. Get your money from your Arab community. Try traveling to Kandahar or Baghdad to spew your liberal minutia and see how long you stay alive.
As the President recently said, you are either on our side or you are on the side of the terrorists. It appears that the city government of Portland is not on our side.
A LETTER TO CHIEF KIRKLAND, FROM JACKASS #2
TO ACTING CHIEF KIRKLAND: What is Andrew Kirkland thinking of??!! He states he will not question 200 Middle East individuals because of profiling problems and that "he hated the police stopping and asking him questions when he was young."
Well, Mr. Young, this should not be about your issues, but about the greater need of the country. This attitude makes me wonder why you joined the police department in the first place. Was this a way for you to control the institution you learned to hate??
HIS RESENTMENT RUNS DEEP
DEAR SOPHOMORIC TWERPS: By now I've come to take it for granted that your paper will piss me off on a regular basis but it wasn't until your November 15th issue that I was driven to tell you why.
In Ann Romano's snot-nosed "One Day At A Time" column, you printed a completely off-base assertion that President Bush is a racist. I quote: "'We must act now because we must lift this dark threat from our age.' Oblivious to his own racial slur, Bush went on to embarrass countless Americans" blah blah blah blah.
Here's where you gotta be disciplined enough to keep your own big liberal mouths in check. There is nothing in Bush's quote to indicate he is a racist. There is nothing damaging in labeling the terrorist threat a "dark" one. There is, however, considerable damage to be done in labeling our president a racist, you fucking jerks. My resentment runs deep.
Congratulations to Brad Ellsworth for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" For his trouble, Brad will receive two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. Send in your letter to the editor to the address above, and you could be our next winner!