DEAR MERCURY: Just wanted to commend the editor on singling out the Mercury's "Worst Writer of the Week" [Jan 17 & 24]. It's high time the editor of a paper has the gazoobas to call out her or his staff in a public forum when their journalistic endeavors run afoul. Thank you, Wm. Steven Humphrey. Thank you.
W. Gavin Morgan
I HATE HUMPHREY AND LOVE JUSTIN
TO THE MERCURY: I just finished reading Justin Sander's article about riding the bus it rocked ["Wheels of the Bus," Jan 24]! He is SOOO NOT a bad writer, like that sham Mr. Humphrey said ["Worst Writer of the Week," Jan 17]. If Steve "il duce" Humphrey is searching for bad writing, he can look no further than his own piece-of-stinking-shit nonsense he passes off as a column ["I Love Television™," pg 27]. However, if Mr. Humphrey had not picked on Mr. Sanders, we the reading audience would not have had the extreme pleasure of viewing Justin's extremely adorable countenance! He is soooo cute. I'd like to suggest that Mr. Humphrey punish Justin by having him pose nude for a full page spread.
I HATE JUSTIN AND GENERALLY LOVE THE MERCURY
DEAR MERCURY: Can you please award the "Worst Writer of the Century" to Justin Sanders for his Tri-Met article? Virtually every sentence is an offence to every literary sensibility I have managed to cultivate. I mean, puh-leezzze, even if he's trying to be facetious, metaphors such as "the bus is a pen, and I am its hog," should not appear in written, let alone published, form EVER.
The apocalypse may be coming, but there is no need to push it along by allowing further de-evolution of standards. I counted at least 150 IPs (illiteracy penalties), or should I say PLPs (Pretentions to Literacy penalties).
While I generally love your newspaper and am sure Justin Sanders is a very nice person, I only want to suggest his unique skills might be more useful to a career in, say, government, accounting, writing romance novels, or even panhandling.
I LOVE JUSTIN AND HATE TRI-MET
TO THE MERCURY: I just finished reading Mr. Sanders fine article about Tri-Met and must say, you sir, are a brave, brave man. I have had the luxury of riding Tri-Met for the last three and a half years, and it fucking sucks. It's all fun and games for you, Justin, but try riding that mother-fucking #4 into St. Johns at 1:30 in the morning every night for a year! I've seen it all: drug deals, hookers, puking drunks, fights. Shit, I once saw a man get struck down by a MAX train after he beat the living shit out of someone. Tri-Met sucks. It costs too much, the service is unreliable at best, and it's just plain depressing. That's why I moved to California.
I HATE CHICKEN, BUT I LOVE TOFU
TO THE MERCURY: I just wanted to let the reviewer of the Saigon Kitchen [Last Supper, Jan 24] know that "Number 62" is NOT stir fried veggies with vermicelli noodles, but Chicken with cashews. I ALMOST learned this the hard way, but avoided the nutty bird after checking the menu. I went to the Saigon Kitchen on your recommendation, and I do have to say, when properly ordered, the tofu is kickass!
I LOVE SELLWOOD, BUT HATE MISINFORMATION ABOUT SELLWOOD
TO THE EDITOR: Just to be absolutely clear, Sellwood is not centered on 13th and SE Tacoma [Anonymous Caller, Jan 24]. The importance of this intersection only came into being after the Sellwood bridge was built in the 1920s.
Sellwood began as a suburb of Portland and Milwaukie; the most common route for commuting was first the ferry, whose dock was at the base of Umatilla Street. If I was to pick an epicenter of Sellwood, it would be along Umatilla, perhaps between 13th and 15th, where the Sellwood Middle School stands.
I LOVE CHRIST, AND THEREFORE I LOVE YOU
TO THE MERCURY: Thank you for loving people and telling them about Christ!
Peace of Christ,
Congratulations to Jane for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" We love Jane, and we love Christ, and since Christ loves movies, we'll be sending Jane two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. Maybe she'll take Christ! Do you love Christ, and winning free movie tickets? Send your angelic or satanic letter to the address above!