A MISTAKE ONLY A STUPID IDIOT WOULD MAKE

TO KATIA DUNN: President Alexander Hamilton? Where the fuck did you learn that? ["Liquor? I Don't Even Know Her!" Katia Dunn, March 14.] Not only was Alexander Hamilton not President during the Whiskey Rebellion, he was never President, ever! George Washington (remember him?) was President from 1789-1797 (including 1794 the year of the Whiskey Rebellion). Alexander Hamilton was the Secretary of Treasury.

Where the fuck did you go to school? And, how could it be that you are so confident in yourself that you didn't even bother to research it? I mean, I realize that it was just a tiny article about booze, but that's no reason to embarrass yourself with a lack of knowledge about basic American history! Gee whiz!?!?!

Tony San Marco

THE EDITOR RESPONDS:Tony, I whole-heartedly agree. And since Katia has chosen to act like a child, I have decided to treat her in a similar manner--namely, by forcing her to write a 700-word essay on Alexander Hamilton, which you can read on page 28. While this small measure will by no means erase her belligerent mistake, it may shed some much-needed light on one of our most oft-neglected forefathers for those who are as ignorant of American history as Katia Dunn.


GET MORE GAY!

DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: I enjoy reading your paper and I pick one up each week. Since I love the Mercury so much, I always try to support those who advertise with you. Being a gay male, I would like to see you do more stories about gay people and their lifestyles.

I love reading "Savage Love" by Dan Savage; he's great. I liked your issue last month for Valentine's, about sex ["Sex Survey 2002," Feb 7], it was fun.

Gay men are a lot of fun and like to talk about their big dicks (or not so big), their sex lives, and lifestyle. I think having a gay issue or a gay column would be a great addition to what you already have. Keep up the great job.

Gay Male from Portland


THAT'S "EDUTAINMENT"

TO THE EDITOR: This is in response to the letter ["Julianne is Retard-ianne," "Letters," March 14] that the embarrassed white girl wrote about Julianne's article ["Changing the Streets with the Beats," Feb 28]. You are a dumb-ass white girl who doesn't know hiphop from trip hop from my ass. The legendary KRS-One's third album was entitled Edutainment, you fucking retard! By trying to bust someone out, you just flopped on your face. Ha-ha-ah-ha-ha. Do your research before you talk just to get dissed by me.

P.S. Being ignorant and not knowing shit comes with the territory of being white buy the album--so maybe you can get "edutained."

Nathan Rice


"POOP" IS A CLASS DISTINCTION

TO THE MERCURY: In regards to Ms. Laurus nobilis, aka Laurel Tree [Letters, March 7], and others off-put by "vulgar language" Consider a list of "Bad Words": fuck, cunt, prick, shit, piss, ass, asshole. Then consider the parallel list of "Good Words": fornicate, vagina, penis, defecate, urinate, rectum, anus.

What is the real difference between them?

The "taboo" words are all English and Germanic, the native speech of large numbers of northern European and British people. The "acceptable equivalents" are all Latinate, the colonial speech used around medieval church and court by ruling elites. i.e., most of us "sweat" but the upper classes "perspire"--the distinction is not one of morality, but of class behavior. As always, the gentry want to appear more "tasteful" than the rest of us: they say and do the same thing, but they say and do it in Latin.

If Ms. Tree doesn't KNOW this linguistic sociology, she is not the cultured person she aspires to be.

Barbara Mor

Well put, Ms. Mor! And for your smashing deconstruction of fuck, cunt, prick, and asshole, you win the Mercury "Letter of the Week" and two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater! Do you have an opinion regarding our choice of words or an idiotic mistake about American history? Send your letter to the address above, and you could be our next winner!


DEPT. OF CONGRATULATIONS

Congratulations to the Mercury team for their rousing defeat of the Willamette Week in Barfly's "Dysfunctional Family Feud" at Dante's last Thursday. Though the WW tried every method at their disposal (including hiring a Kid Rock lookalike and sucking on beer bottles in an attempt to convince others of their skills in oral copulation), the Mercury team still emerged victorious with a score of 365-0. Better luck next time, guys!