From the Editor: Two weeks ago, someone by the name of B-Ma wrote in asking the Mercury to "please explain the fixation this town has with Pabst Blue Ribbon." While we were far too drunk to put up a viable defense, we knew our readers would not fail us. Here are the runners-up and winner of our "Why We Drink PBR" essay contest.
TO THE EDITOR: Perhaps "B-Ma" didn't notice that Pabst has won a brewing prize, or is not familiar with the ranking of the various ribbons. Blue Ribbon is for first prize, and they don't just give those away. Now, if it was called Pabst Red Ribbon, or Pabst Perfect Attendance, or Pabst Honorable Mention, I can understand "B-Ma" mistaking this fine American lager for a less than top notch malt beverage. If there is anything we can cling to in this world, it's the integrity of the brewing prize judges of yore--and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
DEAR MERCURY: I understand that some people are color blind, but I've never heard of anyone being taste blind, until I read the letter from B-Ma (which rhymes with Zima). Pabst is an honest, working man's (person's) beer. Bud is for frat boys and Coors is for cowboys. Miller doesn't deserve a slot for any group (but it does make a great enema). There is nothing better than cracking open a can of Pabst on a hot summer day or a cold rainy winter day, or any other day. PBR is the best, and B-Ma doesn't deserve one.
TO THE EDITOR: Why I drink PBR in 150 words or less: Because it goes with my red neck and white socks, DON'T IT?
HEY MERCURY: In response to B-Ma, we drink Pabst because: 1) As noted, Pabst is cheap. 2) Pabst tastes better than other cheap beer. You may not think so. That's fine. 3) According to my uncle, Pabst may prevent jaundice. 4) Okay, dipshit, did you ever look at the fucking can? RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, you littledick sissy motherfucker! You can sit at home with your fancy-pants four-dollar-a-bottle beer and try to think of ways to turn the Land of the Free into a commie faggot-hole shitpit, but I got news for you, fucko: GOD, GUNS, AND GUTS!!!! This beer is union-made by real fucking Americans who know a real fucking beer! Fuck your patchouli stinkin McMenamins asshole-nectar! Flower-stroking lard-shits like you are the reason we drink in the first place, so take your cock-plugged ass back to wherever you came from, rot like the Arabs, and leave the drinking to us, you freedom-hating pussy!
DEAREST MERCURY: Bud makes me vomit, Miller runs right through me, Henry's sold out and now tastes like road kill. As for Rogue, Deschutes, etc, if I had four bucks for a beer, I would still rather spend it on a six-pack of PBR tall boys. If B-Ma is such the hot shit, why can't he tell the difference between the piss he calls Bud and the 1893 Blue Ribbon winner!?!
A VERY Concerned Barmaid and a VERY Angry Regular
AND HERE'S THE WINNER!
DEAR MERCURY: The other night we were drinking some PBR through Red Vines, when this chick said to us, "How white trash can you get?" Our natural response was "Hey, lady, get us another beer," but what we actually said was "What's wrong with that?" You beer snobs out there may look down on the simpler tastes of life, like a cold PBR, but whenever we grab a PBR, we know we're going to get a cool, refreshing, and, in my opinion (but not Mr. Microbrew's), a fairly tasty beer. It may not be hand-brewed by hippies out on the Oregon coast, but has a long, proud tradition of being a good beer, something those microbrews lack.
Or at least, that's what the can claims. And if you can't trust what's written on the side of a beer can, who can you trust?
Congratulations to David for winning the PBR essay contest! He will receive one ill-fitting and probably washed Pabst Blue Ribbon T-shirt. And as for you, B-Ma, we hope that answers your (hic!) question.
MRS. PORTLAND MERCURY PAGEANT FINALISTS!
And while we're announcing winners, here are the top ten finalists for our Mrs. Portland Mercury Beauty Pageant to be held in late June!
Bianca Munsinger, Kasia Wojnarski, Sweet Rose (the inflatable penguin), Diana Swan, Dave Keeney (thanx for the nude photo!), Nicole Hooper, Amy Faucon, Linda May, Erin Qureshi, and Bethany Miller!
Congratulations, girls (and guy)! Stay tuned for more info on this exciting event!