DEAR EDITOR: Yesterday I saw two young men with offensive tattoos. Covering the entire cheek of the first man's face was a new, multi-colored tattoo of a long dagger, dripping blood. The second offensive tattoo was a Nazi insignia. This was no simple blue-ink Charles-Manson prison job; it was a full Nazi flag.
In Israel, Russia, Germany, or New York this man would have been arrested or have had the offensive image forcibly removed from his arm within hours. I realize that it may seem absurd to attempt to suggest civility among ignorant alienated youth. However, I submit that facial and offensive tattoos are a public issue because the people who have allowed themselves to be altered are no longer able to get a decent job due to extremity of their appearance. Nobody will hire them, so they 'support' themselves by begging in the streets and through public welfare 'disability' payments.
I feel it appropriate to suggest legislation to, if not prohibit, then to strongly discourage facial and offensive tattoos. One possibility might be to require a waiting period of a week between applying for a facial tattoo and its actual application. Another might be to require a sum of money equal to the cost of a laser tattoo removal be placed in an interest-bearing escrow bank account before allowing a permanent facial tattoo to be applied by a licensed tattoo "artist."
Not that these measures would stop any obsessed young people from applying home tattoos to each other. However it would greatly reduce the number of regrettable facial mutilations applied by licensed tattoo studios. Hopefully it will also reduce the possibility of coming across a person walking around with a Nazi flag boldly and permanently inscribed across their forehead.
HEY MERCURY PEOPLES: I look forward to Frank Cassano's column every week ["Frank Cassano's Imbecile Parade," Pg. 5] and always get some SERIOUS guffaws therefrom. Anyone who doesn't think that Cassano is THE MAN is--yep, you guessed it--a fucking imbecile! If asked to choose between Frank's genius woids and Danny-Boy's Gaggot-Faggot-Maggot no-load blow-soft tripe or Steven Humpty-Dumbshit's Tee-Vee dinner jerk-off pabulum, whaddaya think I'd say?
TO THE EDITOR: Frank Bures demonstrated that he is an uninformed asshole. In his article "Shut Up and Bleed," [Feature, May 23] he wrote: "My sperm was too weak. And selling any organs would have meant a trip to Iraq, or worse--Mexico."
What do you know about the Mexican health care system? Have you gone to Mexico? (And the big resorts that are a mini-United States bubble do not count.) Have you ever received health care in Mexico? Or is the above line only an easy joke from a writer with weak sperm and no talent? Probably you are just another arrogant bastard who thinks the United States is the best place on earth and Taco Bell is a real Mexican restaurant.
Pissed Off Mexican
TO THE EDITOR: Driving down Burnside I saw my first Coors Light "Here's to Twins" advertising campaign. Since then about 20 of these fucking billboards have popped up, and I can't drive from one end of Portland to the other without being bombarded with that sexist, misogynist shit. In an era when we criticize the Taliban for forcing women to wear burqas, we're perfectly fucking happy to let corporations create advertising campaigns that make women sex objects. No one DEMANDS that women dress or act that way, we just call them frigid dykes with no sense of humor, womanhood, or social skills if they don't. Where are the U.S. forces now? Get in here and fucking LIBERATE ME.
CONGRATS TO MS. ANONYMOUS for her rousing Mercury "Letter of the Week!" She wins two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater. [For more info on the infamous "twins," see page 6!] Got a bone to pick with a sexist corporate megalith (that may or may not be us)? Send us your letter, and maybe you'll be our next winner!
Hey Everybody! Drop by Beulahland (118 NE 28th) on Saturday, June 8 at 3 pm for the annual PDX Adult Soapbox Derby entrant's meeting. You'll learn about how to enter Portland's funnest summer event, the rules for racing, and get tips on how to build a car that won't fall apart 50 feet after the starting line. [Stop laughing! It wasn't funny!] See you there!