TO THE EDITOR: This is in response to letters printed in your paper written by "Voices in the SE Wilderness" and "I Am Not a Terrorist" ["Letters," Sept 5, in which the writers pooh-pooh Ann Romano for pooh-poohing conspiracy theories claiming that the U.S. government was directly involved in the 9/11 attacks].
To the Conspiracy Theorists: While you were busy analyzing pictures with a magnifying glass, other people were actually working for REAL social change. Of course, the U.S. government was partly responsible for 9/11; not because they doctored photographs or allowed the attacks to happen, but because they treat the rest of the world like crap. If you're opposed to the current political agenda in this country, get off the internet and into the streets.
GAYS: A LOT OF THEM ARE MEAN!
DEAR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: For God's sake, what was that article "The Nerd Explosion" about [Music Issue, Aug 29]? I can't believe a grown man would brag about beating up nerds when he was in high school. I can't, in fact, justify beating up anyone, let alone brag about it. You remind me of the gay bashers we had to deal with when I was an M.P.
It wasn't about beating up gays. A lot of homosexuals were big, mean, and spoiling for a fight. The bashers left those people alone. Rather, it was about beating up the small and helpless in order to assuage their own sense of inadequacy. I don't remember hearing any of the hordes of Nazi skinheads, who used to hang out at the Satyricon years ago, making any statements as obtuse or brainless as those in your article.
If you were serious, you definitely are one of the bad guys. If you were attempting to be funny, you failed.
HILLBILLIES: A LOT OF THEM ARE MEAN!
HEY HUMP: While I can't disagree with you completely on the hilarity of hillbillies ["I Love Television™, Hillbilly Heaven," Sept 12], I do take one particular issue. You know that part in Deliverance where the hillbillies are having their way with Ned Beatty? Of course you do. Now how in the name of corn cob pipes is that funny? My parents took me to see that at the drive-in and trust me, there was no laughter. Only the squeal of little piggies.
ANOTHER SUV-DRIVIN' PANCAKE EATIN' BITCH
TO THE EDITOR: This has nothing to do with anything the Mercury has ever printed. But
Dumb yuppie fucks don't know how to drive. Here's why: I'm driving down Hawthorne and there's a large SUV in front of me. I'm rolling in my 1990 Buick, so this little bitch in his SUV cuts me off. And like any seasoned driver, I laid on the horn like a pimp casin' his ho. This motherfucker was such a bitch ass trick that he could not handle the sound of my horn. So right after he cut me off, and I laid on my horn, his finger is saluting me. So of course I immediately give him my one finger salute and yell a few expletives at this sorry fuck.
Quite frankly my question is why is this little bitch in his big ass SUV trying to front me, when all I'm rolling is my '90 Buick 88!! Bitch paalease!! I know you!!! You are that stupid bitch eating pancakes on 23rd e'ry weekend. I'll find you and when I do you'll kiss my Buick!!!!
BIRDS DO NOT CONSTITUTE "ART"
TO THE EDITOR: What the fuck is up with your fucking cover art! It sucks shit! That's two twee bird issues in a row [Sept 5, Sept 12]. Come on people! It might be all cute and post modern and whatever the fuck, but that doesn't save the fact that it's shit. It's throwaway garbage. I hate it. Why don't you assholes in the design department give me a crack at designing your cover? I do REAL ART!!! My last painting is of my ex-girlfriend giving Satan a blowjob. And I have another of George W. Bush putting a condom on my Dad while four Vietnamese boys are rimming Dick Cheney in the background. It's accomplished in-yer-face shit, and the Mercury should recognize. So get off the bird tip and get with some shit with some fucking soul!
Todd aka "The Cracker"
CONGRATULATIONS TO MSSR. CRACKER for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" For his apt description of what art is and what art ain't, Mssr. Cracker will receive two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. Do you have a disagreement with something published within these pages? (If you aren't offended by something this week, then you might want to check your pulse.) Send your valid opinion to firstname.lastname@example.org and you could be our next winner!