HIPPIES: HUMANITY'S GREATEST HOPE FOR THE FUTURE?
TO THE EDITOR: According to your "Am I a Hippie?" survey I am not a real hippie ["Self-Hell," Sept 12]. Nevertheless, you and all your Mercury reading hippie-hating cohorts can kiss my hairy hippie ass.
Perhaps hippie haters think sitting around in bars high on coke, watching shitty local bands while discussing reality-based TV bestows superior meaning to their lives versus people walking gently on the planet. The truth is, hippies are one of humanity's greatest hopes for the future, as they live truly radical lives instead of whoring everyone and everything in sight.
Real hippies, of course, are too oblivious to you to notice your hatred. They don't read your rag and could care less about J.LO's latest fuck buddy or Humpy's views on Aquaman. While I am not a voice for the hippies, I can say that I'd much rather fall in with them than with you. Peace (and I mean it).
WE'RE THE UNDERGROUND-IEST
TO THE EDITOR: In your September 5th issue [News, "Enough Pepper Already!"], Phil Busse criticized the police for driving a motorcycle down a PUBLIC STREET during a Critical Mass protest (Don't they know that during a protest, Critical Mass owns the street?!).
In that same issue, Frank Cassano made fun of Michael J. Fox for having Parkinson's disease ["Vote Cassano for City Council!"]. Then to top things off, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey wrote in his I Love Television™ column, "Frankly, I don't give a holy handshake about my purpose... The way I figure it, I'm here to fawk some shit up and get a taste of that juicy boo-tay, baby-bay, YAHHHHHHH!" Humphrey then has the chutzpah to write, "Why are people so STUPID?'
That's funny... while reading the Mercury, I was wondering the exact same thing. But then, I suppose the Mercury publishes this sort of thing in an effort to appear "edgy," and "underground," certainly an interesting goal for a paper that's headquartered in the heart of upper-crust trendy-third street. For their sake, I hope the writers of the Mercury all have a finely honed sense of irony.
WE DIDN'T KILL THE BUNNY
TO KATIA DUNN: [Re: "Butchering Molly," Sept 19, in which Katia claims a man with Portland Organic Wrestling killed a rabbit onstage.] That guy who killed the rabbit wasn't in POW when he did it, he wasn't in POW when he got busted, and we ended his 15 minutes in POW after he said he was going to kill a rabbit on stage. Nonetheless, POW got connected with the gory act.
Imagine, if you will, the whole Ozzy-bites-the-dove's-head-off incident back in the '80s. Imagine the incident being blamed on Black Sabbath, even though Ozzy was kicked out years before. Now imagine Black Sabbath consisting mostly of vegans. (I am not one of 'em; goddam, I love steak.) POW is a bunch of fackin' treehuggers, and it's easier to say who DOES eat meat as opposed to who doesn't. That's why it's a touchy issue, as we were blamed for an incident of animal mutilation that we had no tangible responsibility for. This is one urban legend that we want no part of.
Chad England, POW
CHICKEN BEHEADING 101
DEAR KATIA DUNN: [Re: "Butchering Molly," Sept 19, in which Katia kills and eats a chicken.] While I'm upset that you've chosen to buy into the propaganda of groups like the PETA, I will not try to convince you how inaccurate their statements are when compared to my experiences growing up on rabbit and chicken ranches.
I would, however, like to address your method for killing the chicken. Cutting its head off at the neck, as you are now aware, severs the artery that feeds blood to the creature's brain and makes a big, bloody mess. So the next time, I suggest you kill it using a method frequently employed by my grandmother back in the day.
First, you pick the chicken up by its head, turn it upside down and with a quick flick of the wrist, snap its neck. It's a lot like cracking a whip, actually. This method kills the chicken as quickly and painlessly as a beheading, AND spares you the mess. The second step is to make a small incision into its neck and cut the main artery. This also allows you to control the flow of blood and collect it in a bowl for easy cleaning and disposal. Isn't that much better than splattering your loved ones and yourself in warm chicken blood? And you can pour the blood out in your garden because it makes a great fertilizer!
CONGRATS TO DAN for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" and two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater. Got a bone to pick (or snap in half)? Send us those letters!