TO THE EDITOR: Cops lie. Phil Busse should know that by now. Asking Detective Brian Gross about Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice (SHARP) is like asking Bill Clinton about blowjobs or Bush about Iraq. ["By the Skin of Their Heads," November 14] Despite Gross' statements, SHARP is not an "organized hate group." They're not very organized, unless you count drinking beer together, and they ain't a hate group. There are organized anti-fascist groups in Portland, but they don't qualify as hate groups either. None of us, SHARP-skins or others, go around pepper-spraying babies or jacking up black kids or killing Mexican men who don't have the right Tri-Met fare. Now that is hate.
ART REVIEWER = SUCKY
DEAR EDITOR: Perhaps Chas Bowie is what could be described as slow-witted, or maybe just very inexperienced. Either way, not a very talented writer.
KATIE = SOUL MATE
EDITOR: Katie Shimer's humor is great, she is such a bitch and hates everything. Do you think you could get her to marry me? I think she is my soul mate.
COCK-STUFFING = GROSS
I just heard about "cock-stuffing" and I am soooo grossed out. This sounds like something you freaks at the Mercury might like. Why don't you try it out and write an article or something? Maybe Justin Sanders could write it. Here's a description from www.dirty-proverbs .com: "Cock-stuffing is apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your buddy to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!" I just wonder if the stuffies piss themselves all the time.
MEDIA ANALYST = GENIUS
DEAR EDITOR: Winner this week is the Portland Mercury. Humphrey's Great White Tank rolls over whatever the no-name-personality-lacking hack who runs Willy Week. Congrats Merc, and thank you. My weirdo "lets-go-slice-an-eyeball" girlfriend just asked me about the two papers in the larger scope of WHAT IS GOOD FOR PORTLAND. Of course the award-winning more-news-focused Willy Week is a "more important" paper. They have a bigger staff, more money, and more clout. But I'd still rather read the Mercury, and for purely selfish reasons, if I had to choose to put one down, I'd say "C-ya Willy."
MEEKER = URETHRASCOPIC SURGERY SCOWL
TO THE STAFF OF THE MERCURY: As any of you ridiculous people might have noticed, your photo of Richard Meeker bears more than a striking resemblance to my husband, Thurston ["Publisher's Notebook," November 14]. I feel that there was some sort of error made by one of the many members of the staff in the editorial department (probably the wiry blonde girl who looks like she sniffs glue). Thurston is a much more handsome man than that Meeker fellow, and that photo was taken before his urethrascopic surgery so he appears to be scowling. He has such a pretty smile. I really have no idea where you might have obtained that photo. I hope you can get this sorted out.
CONGRATS TO LOVEY HOWELL for winning the Mercury letter of the week. For correctly identifying our staff's glue-sniffing habit, Lovey will receive two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater.
Does your urethrascopic surgery make you scowl? Do you want to sniff glue and perform urethrascopic surgery without anesthetic? Email
email@example.com and YOU could win the letter of the week!