MONDAY

From: Steve Humphrey

steve@portlandmercury.com>

To: Phil Busse

Subject: Paradise

HI PHIL: How are you? We are doing great, but we miss you guys. Our life here in Thailand see-saws between relaxing in paradise and snorkeling. In a few days we're going on a snorkeling boat trip to the Similan Islands. Being snorkeling junkies, we're quite excited.

I hope that everything is good at the office, and that the paper is getting out without too many hang-ups.

Your Boss, Steve

TUESDAY

From: Justin Sanders

justin@portlandmercury.com>

To: mercuryoffice>

Subject: Apology

To all on the first floor who suffered from the recent basketball bounces that rocked our fair abode: It was actually Phil Busse who did the bouncing, and he apologizes from the bottom of his heart.

Justin

From: Julianne Shepherd

julianne@portlandmercury.com>

To: mercuryoffice>

Subject: J.LO vs. BEN

Hello. I am taking bets on the impending doom of the J.LO/BEN union. How long will the marriage last? Keep in mind that Ben hasn't even been in AA for a full year, and that J.LO was pregnant... and then she wasn't.

It's a dollar to enter, and at the end of their marriage, whoever's guess was most accurate gets the pool. Email me to sign up.

Gleefully profiting from the demise of others,

Julianne

From: Lance Chess

lance@portlandmercury.com>

To: mercuryoffice>

Subject: Missing Documentation

Hello Mercury office. Open the attachment to this email and see what documentation you are missing from our records. It is then your responsibility to get me said documentation as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation. If you've already read the employee handbook, it's always a good idea to refresh your memory. Regardless, there is a document you must sign saying you read it.

Lance

From: Marjorie Skinner

marjorie@portlandmercury.com>

To: Lance Chess

Subject: Kiss my ass

What the fuck?! Why does this company insist that I don't exist no matter how many times I fill out forms and/or have my license xeroxed?! I don't have an employee handbook, but it probably doesn't matter because I don't need to know the intricacies of salaries and benefits that I don't have. SO, what exactly should i do to clear this confusion up?

Marjorie

WEDNESDAY

From: Lance Chess

lance@portlandmercury.com>

To: mercuryoffice>

Subject: Marjorie Skinner

Marjorie somehow managed to break her arm last night and will be a little late as she is having it re-cast due to unraveling. She seems otherwise OK. She called to have me FYI you all. So, FYI.

Lance

From: Marjorie Skinner

marjorie@portlandmercury.com>

Subject: cars

hey, as you know, i have a broken wing. i'm supposed to drive to seattle tomorrow to hang with my big brother. thing is, my car's a stick. i can sort of drive it, but it's pretty dangerous and i would rather not, especially in a strange city. so, i'm wondering if anyone has an automatic but knows how to drive stick, and might want to swap with me tomorrow evening until either saturday night or sunday. my car is newish and nice, zippy and fun to drive, has leather seats and butt warmers. it's just kind of cluttered with tapes and papers, but nothing gross. you're allowed to smoke in it.

marjorie

FRIDAY

From: Lance Chess

lance@portlandmercury.com

To: mercuryeditorial>

Subject: I don't like getting screwed

When there is a unilateral decision to not come in on a certain day, I, for one, need to know. This is information crucial to answering your phone calls and responding to other people's questions, etc. A simple email will suffice. I hope you had a great holiday.

Lance