TO JULIANNE: Thanks so much for fitting our last minute rescue show into the previews ["Up and Coming," December 5]. I take back every heartless and cruel thing I've ever said about you. And that's a lot of taking back.
Of course, I might take objection at the characterization of my associates and I as college graduates--most of the people I do business with are borderline homeless and unemployed, which is an even better strategy for leisure than being wealthy.
Noah the high-school dropout
BUT WE DO KNOW WHERE THE G-SPOT IS!
DEAR Mercury: I thought that I'd point out an anatomically incorrect statement made in your Gift Guide, while describing how to use urine as a health tonic ["Gift Guide," November 28]. Urine does not come out of a woman's vagina. It comes out of her urethra. The openings to both the vagina and urethra are parts of a woman's vulva. The vulva is the name given to a woman's external genitalia.
I expect accuracy from the Mercury.
MERCURY INSPIRES ACTIVISM
TO THE MERCURY: Your insightful coverage of city councils passing largely symbolic resolutions against the depredations of Attorney General Ashcroft ["Represent Us, Please," December 5] actually led me to get off my ass and write a letter urging the Portland City Council to take similarly symbolic actions in our name. You should be ashamed, inciting a hapless reader to speak out like that.
a cut below
VIA VOICEMAIL: I think that your thing on prisoners is disgusting ["Letters From Prison," December 5]. You are somewhere around the National Enquirer. Actually, the National Enquirer is a cut above you guys.
HUMPy vs. mindy cohn
DEAR MERCURY: I am confused by a comment Wm. Steven Humphrey made in his latest article and was hoping you could clear it up ["I Love Television," December 5]. He says his retardedness makes Ralph Nader look as smart as a brain surgeon, and what I'm wondering is, as opposed to what?
I was watching The Facts of Life on Nick at Night a few days back and Natalie was pissed because a saleswoman was being a shit about a blouse Natalie had bought for Mrs. G's birthday. As a budding journalist, Natalie grew indignant at the saleswoman trying to stiff her. Natalie said, "Have you ever heard of a man named Ralph Nader?" and proceeded to get the justice so many, equate with the name Ralph Nader.
Is Mr. Humphrey implying Natalie is stupid? He'd better not question the judgement of the best female character ever on TV, cause if he is, me and a bunch of my reform school girlfriends are gonna come over there and kick his blasphemous ass from here to TV Land.
tv: more fun than ramadan
DEAR HUMPY: I just wanted to pass along a heartfelt thanks to you for your wonderful column. I'm currently in West Africa for six months, and nowhere near a television. Every week I take a trip to the Internet center, and your column has become a highlight of my week. I always laugh my goddamned ass off!!! Good laughs are hard to come by because people have lousy senses of humor here. Plus, it's Ramadan, and people are too busy not eating to laugh. Thanks for my weekly slice of "I Love TV" pie.
SONG OF BEN'S SELF
To JULIANNE: i'm ben affleck, feel the affect
on your will, when i step up in your grill
used to drink too much, now 1-12 and moving up
in the program, been to rotterdam
don't need no seagrams
i'm readin' green, that's graham
puff, if ya see me, with my honey
in the benz, drive all day
'cause we spendy, spendy, spend
get ya home
turn off dat cell phone
the only dogma on my mind
when i step to dat behind
bad will hunting, grab dat butt
my holy grail, like treasure king tut
don't tell gwyneth paltrow
i'm mr. J-lo
CONGRATS TO BILL BRIDGES for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." For his captivating couple about our favorite celebrity couplet, Bill wins two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater!