THE DEAD DON'T COMPLAIN
TO ADAM GNADE: You're a music critic--who hasn't/doesn't/will want you dead? ["Wooo, Doggie!" Jan 16, in which the author receives death threats from Hank Williams III fans.] Deal with it instead of whining about it in your paper. I know your point was to make those who flooded your email box look like idiots, but you've only succeeded in making yourself look like a crybaby. If you're going to be judging people's music (and, in this case, slagging on it), you'd better be prepared for it, or find another job.
I LOVE AMERICA AND HANK III
TO ADAM GNADE: [In the following letter, all spelling and grammatical errors remain intact to preserve the hilarity of the piece.--ed] oh my goddess! who the fuck do you think you are, you stupid arrogant selfish patronizing rock critic? your no lester bang. hank is such a genius. he is so good. his lyrics are so good. you thihk he's a racist and stupid too? he's not and you are! so there. sit on a dick, dickhead. you're a racist and i bet good music all of it!. i love america. andn country music! if i ever see you on the streets of stumptown i'm going to cut your fucking head off and roll it down burnside! into the water which is gross! adam gnad,e fuck you. fuck you fuck you and all your kind. i'm so mad at the mercury rioght now i'm going to read the willamette only from now on until you die and rot. thank you very much. hank will get jistice on you and destroy you fore your opinion. god bless america. support our trops.
psa: i'm forwarding this to hank and hank jr
UHH... YEAH! THAT'S WHAT SHE MEANT.
TO THE EDITOR: As much as I love Ann Romano's "One Day at a Time" I must bring to your attention an error in her 12/16 column. She reported that a cleaning person who heard ticking in a Pakistani KFC bathroom called in the "Calvary" to diffuse the bomb. "Calvary" actually refers to a representation of the crucifixion of Jesus, named for the hill near Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified. Perhaps Ann meant that this clever cleaning person called in the "cavalry," which refers to quick-responding militia. Regardless of her intended meaning, I laughed out loud at the idea of a Pakistani cleaning person bringing a crucifix to the bathroom to attempt to rectify the situation. Keep up the good work!
WHO'S THE DIPSHIT NOW?
TO THE MERCURY: This is for the literary dunce that wrote to complain about the literary dunce that wrote to complain about the poop story [Letters, Jan 16]. One literary dunce complains to the other: "It's not that, dipshit, it's who." Who's the dipshit? In the words of grammarians Randolph Quirk (University of London) & Sidney Greenbaum (University of Wisconsin) in a Concise Grammar of Contemporary English (Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1973):
"In restrictive clauses, frequent use is made of a general pronoun that which is independent of the personal or non-personal character of the antecedent and also of the function of the pronoun in the relative clause:
The boy that is playing the piano...(or who)
The table that stands in the corner...(or which)
The boy that we met...(or who(m))"
In other words, in introducing restrictive (i.e. limiting or defining) relative (i.e. adjective) clauses it is perfectly acceptable to use that to refer to people or objects.
Again, to quote: "I have no problem with someone ragging on writers who fail to live up to standards of excellence, I do have problem when some self-appointed God of language can't get his/her own language straight."
A SUREFIRE HANGOVER CURE
TO KATIE SHIMER: [RE: "Do-It-Yourself Hangover Cures," Jan 16] Know this sounds gross, but this is what you need. Sheridan Fruit Market is the only place I can find this stuff; Sauerkraut juice! Drink a whole can; the salts and the cabbage somehow break down the toxins you foolishly consumed... you dumbass.
Do not eat a hamburger or steak and eggs the next day! Your body has to work a 100 times harder than usual to break it all down. Eat lightly and healthy, drink tons of juice or water. Also a good jack-nap makes the day go a little faster... you dumbass!
CONGRATS TO GREG for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week"... you dumbass! Greg will receive two tix to the Laurelhurst Theater and a pass to the Winter Prozac Film Festival at the Clinton Street Theater... you dumbass!
By the way, think you have what it takes to be a Mercury restaurant reviewer? See page 40 for details... you dumbass!