TO THE MERCURY: This goes out to the writer of last week's I, Anonymous ["Dick Shift," Feb 20]. I too have been subjected to the horrors of glancing out my bus window, and seeing a man in a blue minivan jerking off. I don't know what he looked like, but it was pretty apparent he was purposely keeping up with the bus as he wobbled his ridiculous, half-limp little twerpy-bird back and forth.
Anyway, I thought I'd write to let you know you're not alone. I'm pretty sure it was the same guy--I mean, I'm hoping there's not an army of blue minivan-driving perverts out there, masturbating next to buses.
Also, a shout-out to the drunk motherfucker who was staring at me and masturbating on the streetcar the other day! If you weren't a big, creepy, drunken man, and I wasn't a tiny, relatively frail little girl, I would have kicked you in your dick. I shouldn't have so many public transportation masturbation stories, for real. I'm going to start carrying garden shears if this keeps up.
TO HAMFORD CHRYSLER (AKA, the Hobo under the Burnside Bridge): ["Letters," Feb 20, in which the writer compares hobo persecution to Blacks, Indians, and Jews.] This is a two-part response to your letter: #1) You're a fucking idiot. #2) Perhaps if some charismatic dictator rounded up all youse beggars and put you in a big Easy-Bake Oven, you might be able to compare your "plight" with that of the Jews. Until then, see #1.
JOKES CAN BE DANGEROUS!
TO THE EDITOR: Besides your blatantly homophobic statements in your Sex Survey poll [Feb 13], such as "9% are convinced they're 'GAY' and can't be talked out of it," your article "Valentines are Fucked!" presents a young boy who is disgusted he might be thought of as gay because he writes Valentines to boys as well as girls. Being gay is no cause for disgust, and to joke about such things is to promote the hatred of gay people. Because crimes against gays and lesbians make up the third largest hate crime in the United States (after race and religion), using negative stereotypes to joke about people's sexual orientation is not only unacceptable, but also dangerous.
I HATE YOU AND YOUR SHITTY JOB
HEY ADAM GNADE: Who the fuck are you to tell anyone what good music is ["Eat a Dick, Pussy!" Feb 20]? Nashville Pussy may not be the best band in the world, but your opinion is just as predictable as what you're so anxiously putting down. They rock a hell of a lot more than most of the silly fashion poser rock that's out there.
It is obvious that your idea of music is not fully developed, so shut the fuck up if you don't know what you're talking about! Your "I know what's cool" attitude, as well as that of other members of your staff, has bothered me on many occasions, so I hope you print this because your article fuckin' sucks! Think about your reason #6 (sleaze) to boycott Nashville Pussy, then consider what the Mercury is all about (phone sex, fashion, tabloid) and maybe then you'll realize why one would want to boycott your shitty magazine and your stupid job!!!! Fuck you, you don't know shit.
TO THE EDITOR: This is for council member Jim Francesconi ["Who Owns Francesconi's Tongue?" Feb 20, in which the council member refuses to answer the Mercury's questions about the antiwar resolution]. The Mercury is just as good a forum as any to answer tough questions. Are you truly daft enough not to realize that declining to answer tough questions damns you more in the public eye than if you were to answer them "incorrectly"? Nobody likes a coward. If the Mercury's facts are incorrect, why would you not want to rectify the situation? "Not the appropriate forum"? People aren't stupid, Francesconi, and this kind of evasive crap doesn't pass the laugh test. I'm no political scientist, but everyone who reads the Mercury and learns that you ran for cover is going to be left with a negative impression, which makes your run for mayor that much harder. Especially if this kind of behavior continues. When people see you dodging questions about relationships to business alliances, they rightly assume the worst. And if the worst is even close to being true, then you better muster up some serious blarney or quit while you're ahead.
CONGRATS TO ANDREW, who wins the "Letter of the Week!" and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. And speaking of winning WHO WANTS TO WIN $200 and perform a necessary civic duty? See page 6 for the "Unzip Francesconi's Lip" contest!