DEAR EDITOR: I am a 34-year-old PCC student, and I have to write to you because my WR 122 teacher told me to do so.
I would like to send out my deepest gratitude to your writing staff: Justin, Manu, Phil, Katie, Julianne, and Marjorie for helping me decide what my next fucking career move might be ["The Mercury Salutes The American Worker," May 1]. Now I finally know that I don't want to be a "fucking retard" strip club bouncer, a euthanizer (what in the hell does THAT mean?), and I've already cleaned houses in the nude--just not for money.
Bless you and your talented, delightful staff for helping me make a smarter career choice. By the way, if this gets published, I get 25 extra points in my writing class! Wooohooo!
ANOTHER "EXTREME" LETTER, DUDE! AWESOME!
TO THE EDITOR: I had heard of the Mercury but this evening I finally decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, I must say I am very disappointed. I have not read many of the articles, but the one I decided to start with was definitely lacking.
The article I am speaking specifically about is Katie Shimer's review of A Mighty Wind [Film, May 8]. To preface this, I will say I have not seen this movie, so I am not defending it against her opinion. What I do object to is the language she chooses to utilize. Her article is bafflingly fraught with juxtapositions. She uses such vernacular as "sucks" and "dude" and phrases like "no good" then peppers the rest of the piece with words like "innocuous" and "contrived." I am not certain if the latter words are Ms. Shimer's words or the editor's, but I do think the former have no place in a publication.
If Ms. Shimer does get a chance to read this, let me put it in terms that I think she might understand better. Ms. Shimer's writing really sucks, dude.
HOME OF THE SKANKY BETTY
TO KATIE SHIMER: Your fumbling and inept review of A Mighty Wind reflects your ignorance, lack of education, lack of sophistication, and immaturity. The Mercury is full of oh-so-hip cretins and skanky Bettys attempting to be the arbiters of taste. When faced with subtlety, dry humor, and parody, you fall apart.
Your bewilderment reflects your shortcomings as a cultural reviewer. The use of "old school" has become a stock cliché for literary inept and impotent writers. You are such a ditzy dimwit. Quit hanging out at Dot's, playing your Sleater-Kinney CDs, ditch the black clothes, and get an education. Cultural ignorance is not considered cool.
PORN: THE "STUPID" CONVERSATION
TO THE MERCURY: I just wanted to say well done to Justin Sanders for a great review of David Loftus' book, Watching Sex ["Does Porn Matter?" May 8]. I started the book genuinely interested in the subject of men and porn, and for a while it was great, but I almost couldn't finish it since Loftus would NOT shut up about these "crazy anti-porn feminists."
As a feminist who has done a lot of research on the sex industry, I can say that Loftus doesn't seem to have anything resembling an idea of what the anti-porn feminist argument is all about. Virtually every study done on the issue shows that horror films and music videos do more to create acceptance of violence against women than most porn, so that "porn makes men evil rapists" argument is by now a belief held by a very small and generally irrelevant feminist group. Most feminisms, especially young and progressive feminisms, do not see porn as a problem nearly as much as the attitudes about porn that force us to keep having this stupid conversation.
FAT GIRLS DO IT BETTER
TO THE MERCURY: This is for the skinny bitch who penned "I Anonymous" [May 8]: I am a fat girl with a skinny boyfriend. When he started dating me, the skinny girl he had been fucking called me a "fat bitch," and wondered what the hell he saw in me. See, there's something called a "personality," and when someone has a good one, people want to be around that person. Oh, also, guys like to be with girls who give good head. You gave this skinny boy two whole blowjobs? WOW. I don't understand how he ever could have dumped you. My skinny boy tells me I give him the best blowjobs he's ever had. So maybe you need to wake up and realize that sometimes, FAT GIRLS DO IT BETTER.
Anonymous Chubby Girl
CONGRATS TO ACC for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" And, along with a gift certificate to No Fish! Go Fish!, she wins two passes to the Laurelhurst Theater. Moral: Practice, practice, practice!