KATIE SHIMER SUCKS ASS
DEAR MERCURY: The Mercury is peachy, but I have a problem I need to bitch about. Katie Shimer sucks ass. We call her "Katie Shitter." Her writing is so offensive I have to check each article before reading; it's like walking through a minefield. I don't want to find out halfway through that the insane ramblings of this intolerable creature have caused irreparable damage to my already tenuous hold on reality.
To make it worse, you RECYCLE Shitter's moronic vacuous crap. In your "Eat It" section, you recently repeated one of her Good Dog/Bad Dog reviews AGAIN. Why? Why the cruelty?
TO THE EDITOR: I read "I Hunted the Hairy Man-Ape" [Sept 11] and found a lot of disturbing things. This stupid guy [Erik Henriksen] who thinks he's a "sasquatch hunter" is nothing more than a killer who only cares about money and not the welfare of the poor Sasquatch. "Bigfoot lusts for the sweet, sweet taste of human blood"? There has NEVER been a report of the Sasquatch intentionally doing harm to a human. If the Sasquatch is a human killer, why do they run when they see people? Why aren't there tons of Sasquatch attack reports?
I can't believe he really thought he could accomplish such a hideous thing... trying to lure a Sasquatch with bologna?? And bash it over the head with a baseball bat? In my eyes he's no better than the terrorists; they kill innocent people and now this guy is trying to kill innocent creatures for no reason at all but money. Some people are wasted skin and poor excuses for humans.
PORTLAND HATES FUN
TO THE EDITOR: Golly, this latest issue [Sept 18] could be your best shit yet. The graffiti article ["A Tale of Two Graffitis"] is a great start toward changing city policy on public art displays. There can definitely be, in my eye, a distinction between vandalism and art. The city code is geared towards the rich. No struggling artist could ever afford it, and that's probably the point.
Plus your article on the ZooBomBers was excellent as well ["Retribution is a Bitch"]. It honestly is harmless non-terroristic goodness. Both articles shed light on the attitude of Portland's policy makers. No culturally diverse artwork that isn't "sanctioned" and remember--NO FUN ALLOWED! Seriously.
PS. Make Phil Busse our next Mayor!!
DON'T FORGETÉ YOU STILL SUCK
TO THE EDITOR: I'm still quite certain that YOU PEOPLE--generally--SUCK. But "A Tale of Two Graffitis" [Sept 18, Julianne Shepherd] was well written, insightful, and refreshing. Of all that you people do--and so very very much of it SUCKS--there is, now and again, a tiny glimmer of hope of redemption from a future in that HELL that is now our curse: the Modern Media.
RIGHT-WINGERS LOVE US, TOO!
TO THE MERCURY: I'm a self-described conservative. I don't like labor unions. I support the actions in Iraq. That being said, I LOVE the Mercury. When I see the new WWeek come out on Wednesday, I think to myself "Holy Fuck! The new Mercury comes out tomorrow!" Hell, I'd even vote for Phil Busse for mayor, except I'm joining the Marines and getting the hell out of Portland. Thanks for being the best independent paper in Portland, you goddamned hippies, you.
MY DAUGHTER WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE CROTCH
TO THE EDITOR: I like dark humor like anybody else ["Ode to the Life of John Ritter," Sept 18]. But fuuuuuuuuuuck. Don't fucking fuck with long-time nice guys. I'm pushing 37 in a few months. I exercise daily, have a nice build, and consider myself to be an excellent and caring father--plus I can kick most guys' asses. And I will gladly punch your lame classifieds rep in the crotch for the disservice he did to Mr. Ritter's fans.
Also, I'd like to say I can and will follow through with the threat of punching the creep who allowed the piece to be printed in the first goddamn place--right in the crotch. You fuck with John Ritter and you deserve to get punched in the crotch. That's how my momma dealt the pain and now you're gonna get yours. Okay, the "Peg Bundy was your wife" line was kinda funny. But still. Sheesh. And my daughter will punch you in the crotch, too. You have been warned.
Allen Bennett Russell
CONGRATS TO ALLEN and his crotch-punching daughter for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." Allen gets TWO tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, TWO passes to see Lake Trout (the band, not the fish) at Dante's on Oct 4, and a week-old People magazine with John Ritter's stupid face on the cover.