WHAT LIES BENEATH THE BURNSIDE BRIDGE

DEAR UNCLE GHOULIE: Admittedly, I enjoy reading the Mercury, even though last week's Employee Picks [Oct 16, Nick Pidcock, a valet for the Heathman Hotel] was LAME! I, along with hundreds of folks, am glad that Mr. Pidcock is gainfully employed, but talking about which luxury automobile handles better on the way to the garage? How bourgeois!

Potential future Employee Picks may include, but are not limited to: reasons not to practice sustainable living, how to keep the homeless in their place, taste the difference between fortified malt beverages, and my favorite, five elected officials who are not held accountable for their actions.

And for all you ladies who like a little danger in your life, my shower days are Mondays and Thursdays. Meet me under the Burnside Bridge for the kind of fun and company that your mother warned you about.

Hamford Chrysler

UNCLE GHOULIE RESPONDS: Well Comrade Chrysler, aren't you the regular Fidel GHASTro? As for your invitation, my sister might take your offer--and an ARM or LEG as well!

TUNE YOUR DIAL TO 66.6

DEAR UNCLE GHOULIE: Thanks to Phil Busse for writing the longest column by far on the departure--or should I say slaying--of the Gustav and Daria show ["Change the Station!" Oct 16]. Unfortunately, none of our last-minute tributes to the only worthwhile show on the radio will bring it back, or stop me from wanting to drive a fucking stake through my clock radio.

When is Portland radio going to realize that some of the weirdoes and fuckwits and losers out there are actually college-educated, and enjoy humor a mental caliber above that which entertains the sweaty, ball-scratching, nu-metal crowd?? I MISS LAUGHING IN THE MORNING TO A TRULY FUNNY RADIO SHOW!!!

Sarah Allen

UNCLE GHOULIE RESPONDS: Sarah, imagine how I feel! Every morning I awaken to the irritating screams of the damned echoing through my head--Jammin' 95.5! I'm considering sending over my Cousin CRUSHER to turn it into a SLAYhouse!

THE BATHTUB OF BLOOD

DEAR UNCLE GHOULIE: This is for Julianne Shepherd. Although I found your blurb on Forever 21 completely hilarious ["Mercury House of Urban Horrors," Oct 23], you failed to do your history homework. Mary Queen of Scots did NOT bathe in the blood of virgins. Although nicknamed "Bloody Mary," her claim to fame was being a staunch Roman Catholic and putting to death over 300 Protestants for heresy. Countess Elisabeth Bathory of Hungary is the woman of whom you write. She and her minions put to death hundreds of girls in her attempt to find the fountain of youth. Just think, a simple click on the internet could have saved you from this lame attempt to shame you.

M. Holcomb

UNCLE GHOULIE RESPONDS: Fear not, Mr. Holcomb. For her crime, Julianne has been sentenced to bathe in a bathtub of blood. But since we couldn't find any virgins, I guess HER OWN BLOOD will have to do!

THE DEVIL'S HUMMERS

DEAR UNCLE GHOULIE: This is for Sam Wheeler who wrote that Arnold Schwarzenegger is environmentally friendly ["Letters," Oct 23]: Hon, I work for GM (aka: the Devil) and I know for a fact that Ah-nold has six Hummers--in each color! That's about as enviro-friendly as your mom's ass, dipshit.

Lindsay Ballweber

UNCLE GHOULIE RESPONDS: C'mon, Lindsay, give Arnold a break (and a BRAIN INJURY while we're at it)! I own an SUV, too! Actually it's a BLOOD mobile and let me tell youÉ it's a real GASP guzzler! No, seriously, it only gets 25 PILES to the gallon! That's PILES OF DEAD BODIES!!

CALIFORNIA SCREAMING

DEAR UNCLE GHOULIE: I just read the letter about "all the animosity against fucking Californians" and I think whoever wrote it is a tofu-eating, Arnold-loving stupid-ass hippie. Shut up, you dumb Californian! Everybody dropped that "love everybody" shit when America discovered punk rock and speedballs back in the '70s! Nothing is more American than hating Californians. I'm from California, and I say "Fuck 'Em!" The Canadians, too, while we're at it, and especially the damned vegans. Portland Mercury--you are doing a good job! Support creative bigotry for fun and profit! And beat a vegan for Jesus while you're at it!

Aaron Laver

CONGRATULATIONS, AARON! You're Uncle Ghoulie's "Poison Penpal of the Week" which means you win two passes to the LaurelCURSED Theater, and two tickets to see Singapore Sling at the gASH Street Saloon! It's a great place to listen to SHOCK n' ROLL while drinking a pint of GHOUL-AID and eating a LEGsalad sandwich!! BWA-Hah-haaaaaaaaahhhÉ KAFF! KAFF! Okay. KAFF!