TO THE EDITOR: I'm amazed your interviewer didn't ask Dennis Kucinich about his book, A Prayer for America ["Strong to the Finish," Phil Busse, Jan 8]. Let me quote from the chapter "Spirit and Stardust"... "Spirit merges with matter to sanctify the universe. Matter transcends, to return to spirit. The interchangeability of matter and spirit means the starlit magic of the outermost life of our universe becomes the soul-light magic of the innermost life of our self... " What the fuck is this shit?
Don't get me wrong, I like Dennis' anti-war views. I like his Nader-esque antipathy for Corporate America. But is he a candidate or a New Age guru? I wouldn't mind voting for him, but I don't think most Americans are ready for a president who espouses alternative religious views.
I REALLY LIKE CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL
DEAR MERCURY: Here's a very simple question: How in the hell can one talk about great cannibal movies and not mention one of the best movies on the subject? I speak of Cannibal! The Musical. This is the most wonderful cannibal movie EVER. I mean, the other movies that were mentioned in "I'm Staying Home" [Wm. Steven Humphrey, Jan 8] sound good, but where can you see cannibalism mixed with potty humor and plain fun? I'll tell you whereÉ in the movie Cannibal! the Musical (1996). Come on, Troma is classic camp. And Trey Parker directed this gem as well as starred in it with his buddy Matt Stone. PLUS, it's educational! It's based on the true story of the only man convicted of cannibalism in U.S. history. And they tell the story in SONG!!! It just doesn't get any tastier than watching a tasteless cannibal movie and washing it down with a nice cold brew. YUM.
BEWARE THE HUNGRY ASS
TO THE MERCURY: And in particular, Steph Shearer From Crush ["Fashion Don'ts," Jan 15, in which Steph advises not to wear high-waisted pants because they "create camel-toe in the ass"]. In response to your question about rear-end camel toe, my friends and I call it "hungry ass." But I gotta say you should be warning the soccer moms of the world--not the men. Believe me, there are far more middle-aged woman afflicted with hungry ass, probably because the slacks they buy in the "misses" section of JC Penny are some high-waisted mo-fo's that produce the double-sided camel toe and "hungry ass" phenomenon. Fashion conspiracy? Fuck yeah!
Taco Mama, Manglor and Trub L
I AM VERY ANGRY ABOUT FASHION
TO THE MERCURY: The listings of the stores is actually helpful, but the fashion issue is LAME ["Get Yer Clothes On," Fashion special issue, Jan 15].The people that decide what looks cool are the dorkiest, tackiest looking people. WHERE DO THEY GET OFF TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO DRESS, AND WHO WOULD TAKE THEIR ADVICE? THEY ARE FUCKING UGLY DORKS WITH NO FASHION SENSE!! AND THE COMMENTS ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WHERE WEARING, "OH I'D DO HIM, OH I WOULDN'T" IS FUCKING STUPID!!! THE ABSOLUTE LAMEST ISSUE EVER!! WRITTEN BY THE LAMEST PEOPLE EVER!!!
BULL PENISES: WTF?
TO THE EDITOR: I was startled to read the reference to "Bully Sticks" in the "Employee Picks" [January 8]. Because if this were truly the Mercury--perhaps the only paper of record to use "crack whore" or "diaper gravy" in every issue--then wouldn't this mere "pick" be featured in a half-page article with a huge headline proclaiming "DOGS EAT BULL PENISES"?! And wouldn't there be a photo, not of a Chuckit! (for the benefit of the 17 people who've never been to a park) but of an actual BULL PENIS?!
So I did some research. I found that at bullysticks.com, they claim their bull penises "are unbeatable" and "come with a 100% satisfaction guarantee." Nevertheless, in an informal survey of (nauseated and ex-) friends, nobody had heard of this product.
I feel the shortcomings in the coverage of bull penis related news must be laid, ultimately, at the feet of the editor. I implore you, sir, to educate, not merely inform the public on crucial matters of commerce; to build on your heritage of cutting-edge reportage, not to rest on your laurels; and to give proper emphasis to the fact that people are paying money for bull penises, and feeding them to their dogs!!
CONGRATS TO ERIC for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week," which includes two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and two passes to see The Dirtbombs at Dante's on Jan 24. And speaking of bull penises, DON'T FORGET TO SEND IN YOUR SMOOCHY-WOOCHY VALENTINES!! (See page 32).