TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Yes, this is for Ann Romano--I know she thought she was being cute and witty with her comment about Iowa and the internet [One Day, Jan 29, in which Ann notes that Iowans were unaware of Howard Dean's internet campaign because they've never heard of the internet]. Well, Iowa happens to be one of the most educated, most literate states in the nation. And the reason people aren't always on the internet is because they have lives--unlike here in Pornland. You and your sleazoid cronies are way out of line--Iowa has more class than you ever will."
HUMPY, THE MISERABLE CUNT
DEAR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: God, how I hate you. Your monster ego massaged by your staff minions, winged monkeys on minimum wage, there for one reason... to reassure you about the size of your dick. Do me a favor... if you're never going to publish my artfully crafted letters (Which would elevate your paper to the level of genius) then retire, close your slanderous rag, buy yourself a Hummer (the car, the sexual service, or both) and fuck off to Zimbabwe so the next time you write some tripe about poor local government, you are hanged in the town square. You miserable cunt.
GET USED TO SHARING, PEOPLE!
DEAR MERCURY: In regards to the article "Mississippi Whitewash" [News, Jan 29] and gentrification in general, I'm having a difficult time understanding why there's a race issue at all, and why I should feel more empathy for one race over another when it comes to being displaced from your "childhood neighborhood." Property values are skyrocketing, as are property taxes. I can't afford to live where I grew up--so who do I blame for that? My friends are raising their babies in apartments, because they can't afford to buy homes.
The issue is low income vs. cost of living. North and outer SE Portland are the last affordable areas for folks like us, so whatever ethnicity you are, get used to sharing. If you insist on segregating yourself, you're part of the problem and not the solution.
YOU BUY IT, YOU BROKE IT
TO THE EDITOR: The article "Mississippi Whitewash" identifies Mississippi's transformation as an example of the relationship between race and economics. Historically there has been an economic disparity between neighborhoods based on race. Those who purchase homes and start businesses around Mississippi are taking advantage of this economic disparity. While the city bears responsibility in neutralizing the economic difference between neighborhoods, homebuyers and businesses also bear a responsibility to prevent its further propagation.
No single group is responsible for gentrification, however those who participate in this transformation should not deny their culpability.
SIC SEMPER CLITORIS TYRANNUS!
DEAR EDITOR: I'm writing in regards to a letter sent to you by a stupid bitch who has not fully discovered the glories contained within her porkhole [Letters, Jan 29]. She incorrectly suggests that most women who climax without clitoral stimulation are "faking" said orgasms. It is time to end the tyranny of the clitoris. I would rather have my multiple, mindblowing orgasms from my lover "banging around in the birthing canal" than by any other means. It takes self-focus, dedication to opening the lotus flower of one's inner pleasure spots, and communication between wonderful partners to discover that a vaginal climax makes a clitoral climax feel like a bladder infection. Don't let some sexually sad tater sully the truth about vaginal orgasms.
Angel N. Snatch
CONGRATULATIONS TO MS. SNATCH for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." To learn more about vaginal orgasms, consult your local library or check out the results of the Mercury Sex Survey coming next week!
BEER! HECKLING! PHOEBE CATES!
HEY READERS! Please join us Friday at 10 pm at the Clinton Street Theater (2522 SE Clinton) for the first installment of the Winter Prozac Film Festival! That's right, sunshiny movies made even better with the addition of drunken heckling! The special feature for this Friday, Feb 6 is the hilariously poignant Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Beers and pizza are only $2 each, and admission is only $6--so get there early!