TO THE EDITOR VIA DRUNKEN VOICE MAIL: "Well, I don't really know if you can get this message to Ann Romano or anything. But since she calls the Attorney General a professional a-hole ["One Day at a Time," March 18], then that must make her an amateur butt plug. And as far as her thing about the Patriot Act, I guess we wouldn't have the Portland Eight in jail now if we didn't have the Patriot Act and other things. And nobody's losing their darn civil rights and civil liberties! So tell her to get off her butt and put a plug in. Thanks, bye."
CHURCH FANS NOT VERY CHRISTIAN-LIKE
TO THE EDITOR: This is regarding Kathleen Wilson's preview of The Church's show at Dante's ["No New Converts," Music, March 18].
Ms. Wilson, you wrote, "To be fair, The Church have lost many of their original members, including singer Steve Kilbey, guitarist Peter Koppes, and second guitarist Marty Wilson-Piper". Where did you gather this information? Not on the credits of their CD Forget Yourself, you supposedly listened to, or the official Church website. Kilbey, Koppes and Willson-Piper (spelled with two L's, it's true) are listed everywhere.
Obviously you don't give a flying fuck about The Church, that's fine, but don't you care about the quality of your work? Just five minutes of basic research would have saved you from looking like a silly dildo. In the future stick to writing about what you know: Cute boy bands you'd like to fuck, have recently fucked, or are currently fucking. They seem to get your best coverage.
Kathleen Wilson responds: The whiplash inducing paragraph complained about above was meant to read: "To be fair, The Church has lost many of its members throughout the years, though three of them, singer Steve Kibbey, guitarist Peter Koppes, and second guitarist Marty Willson-Piper, remain in the band." Though I kinda regret causing them, I also applaud any and all hissyfits provoked by this obvious error. (Especially the one from the guy who suggested I should hang myself.)
GANGBANGS ARE RUINING MY SEX LIFE!
TO THE EDITOR: Regarding Katie Shimer's article about the Rose City Gangbang ["Bang a Gang," March 18].
You should know that some club members (former members, that is) feel that the Rose City Gangbang has essentially hijacked the Ace of Hearts. The Ace has been in existence for almost a decade, quietly catering to consenting adults (Swingers) in the Willamette Valley and SW Washington. The RCGB event is only a very recent addition to the Ace and one which many die-hard members view with some angst.
Up to this point, the club has existed "under the radar"... as it should. Some Ace members fear the in-your-face publicity and crass commercialism of this event will draw unwanted scrutiny from those in the community who feel they need to act as Moral Police. Such attention could eventually jeopardize Ace's future.
There is another story here about the people who enjoy their sexual freedom without getting drunk and fucking a bunch of other people. This is the more mundane story of couples in The Lifestyle (Swinging) who want to pursue recreational sex in a safe and, particularly, private environment.
A SOILED MATTRESS T-SHIRT?
YOU MUTHA FUCKAS: HOW DARE YOU DO TO THIS TO ME? CREATING A FUCKING T-SHIRT FOR JERRY MASTERSON... WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE FUCKING PROMOTIONAL T-SHIRTS FOR THAT SICK FUCK? I WILL ADMIT THAT EVEN I FIND JERRY'S "UNDESCENDED TESTICLES" TO BE PRETTY FUCKING HILARIOUS ["Pediatricians are Fucked!" Jerry Masterson, March 18]. BUT DID YOU FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FRIENDS "OSAMA BIN LADEN" AND "SOILED MATTRESS DOWN BY THE RIVER"? THEY GOT KILLED BY THE PORTLAND STREETCAR AND THEY NEVER GOT A T-SHIRT!!! I MAY JUST BE BEATING A DEAD TERRORIST AND A MATTRESS, BUT THEY WERE THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONS OF ANYTHING EVER WRITTEN IN THE MERCURY, SO PUT THEIR FUCKING DEAD FACES ON A T-SHIRT AND MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!!! Loving you doesn't make it any easier.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ELLIOT for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" which includes two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and two passes to see Azure Ray at Berbati's on Tuesday, April 6. AS FOR THE REST OF YOU, we're not going to make any Osama bin Laden T-shirts until we sell all the high-quality Jerry Masterson shirts we have in stock. Go to www.portlandmercury.com and get yours today!