TO THE EDITOR: Regarding Marjorie Skinner's article ["Kidnapped!" April 22, in which Marjorie hires a stranger to tie her up and kidnap her], two things stand out in my mind:
1. On behalf of everyone I know who has been raped (numerous), and on behalf of the poor souls who have been kidnapped, fuck you. To make a lighthearted article about this is disgusting. Did you contact the girl from Arizona who was kidnapped, raped, had her arms cut off with a blunt ax and left to die in the desert to see how she felt? If you had, I bet there would be better insight into the horror of having some deranged asshole have complete control of your body and life.
2. For the sake of journalistic integrity, the editors should have arranged this without Marjorie's prior knowledge. If Marjorie had been taken off of the street, kept in a basement, raped a few times, beaten severely, and her throat cut unsuccessfully and lived to tell the tale, that would have been an interesting article. That would have given a clearer picture of what it is to be kidnapped, not what it is to be some twat with a degree and too much free time.
So, Marjorie, whenever you hear that the police have found the naked strangled body of a 12-year-old girl, a five-year-old boy with his head cut off, or a bright-eyed 23-year-old woman with her whole life ahead of her who was sodomized, bludgeoned to death and dumped in a river, I hope you can chuckle and tell your friends "Oh, come on. It's happened to me and it's not that bad." On behalf of the people who lived, and those who've been murdered, fuck you. Stick to gang-bangs and boozing with your idiot friends. It's what you do best.
MARJORIE SKINNER: DAMSEL IN DISTRESS?
TO MARJORIE SKINNER: This morning I ran across your piece on your staged "kidnapping" and wanted to say I found the piece VERY well written and quite respectful to those people who might have more than a passing interest in bondage. Needless to say, that includes me.
I run a bondage website--but no whips, chains, or pain. I do what's known as "damsel in distress" bondage, and look at it as producing "theater." Each of my actresses is a character in a story we tell on video or in pictures. There is NO SEX, only occasional nudity, and no violence other than grabbing, binding and gagging.
Long story short, I really enjoyed hearing your views on the "thrill" of such play-acting. THANK you for doing the piece--and for treating the subject matter so honestly!
GET YOUR FUCKING TREES STRAIGHT, ASSHOLE
TO THE MERCURY: [Regarding "Go Native!" April 29] Not every evergreen conifer is a pine. Pines are one type of conifer. Firs are another type, and hemlocks and cedars are yet other types. Douglas fir is its own deal. Get it right. Douglas fir isn't even a fir, so the name's confusing in that regard. However, no one calls it a fucking Douglas pine, so that fuck-up is just ignorance. I thought you people were educated. Maybe if you want an article about native plants, you could have someone with a fucking clue about native plants write it.
CONFESSION OF A SIGN SNATCHER
TO THE MERCURY: Yeah, I'm the one who stole the bright pink "Is Your House an Ugly Craphole?" sign from the Merc box in front of the Pearl Starbucks.
I debated the moral issues for some time, but realized that residents of the Pearl are too busy posing and trying to get laid to worry about home maintenance. Their condos are spankin' new, and they have enough money to pay to have their light bulbs changed, for chrissake.
I figured if someone objected to the heist, I would just self-righteously declare my objection to the public display of the word "craphole," but no one rose to the occasion. In fact, they appeared so medicated I probably could have thrown the whole fucking paperbox into the middle of Lovejoy.
If my malfeasance proves to be the tipping point that causes the collapse of your marketing strategy, I would be really sorry. If it causes Francesconi to be elected mayor, I'll kill myself. In the meantime, the sign will hang on the refrigerator in my craphole kitchen until it stops making me giggle.
CONGRATULATIONS TO DANIEL for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week," which normally includes two tickets to the Laurelhurst and passes to see Minus the Bear at Dante's on May 15. However, since you're a thief, you get nothing.
Just kidding! We love thieves! Enjoy the shows!