TO THE MERCURY: Manu Berelli's "Waxing Poetic" [Mercury, Aug. 26] could have been an interesting and entertaining article about metrosexuality and a straight guy stretching his limits. Instead, it turned out to be a constant self-reassurance of his heterosexual worldview. What a waste of ink and paper! As a guy who loves a BIG MESS OF WARM JIZZ on my face--whether at a spa, the baths or in my bedroom--I can only wish Manu two things: A facefull of female ejaculate to reassure his sense of straight masculinity, and a new career that doesn't involve inflicting his sexual insecurity on the reading public.
WHO'S STEREOTYPING NOW?
DEAR MERCURY EDITOR: Regarding the "metrosexual" idea--that many heteros are starting to absorb habits that are commonly associated with gay men--things like fashion, grooming, knowledge of culture. . . I don't mean to rain on the (pride) parade, but it's worth asking: Are gay men really more chic, stylish, and culturally aware than heteros? When I think about the gay men that I have known over the years, I think that, broadly speaking, the answer is no. There are many hip and chic gay men, but there are also bucket-loads of boring and shabby queers. I'll give the gays this: They normally have better haircuts than heteros. But better clothes, better parties, better art? The case has not been proven. "All gays are chic and stylish" is about as accurate as "All blacks are good dancers." Speaking of which, most men that I see on the street who are well-dressed are middle-aged black men, presumably heterosexual.
GIMME MY MONEY, BITCHES!
DEAR ZAC PENNINGTON: You rat-fuckers! I bust my hump writing the Hunches article [Mercury, Aug. 19], and you give credit to someone else! While I'm sure Andrew Miller (credited) is excited, and receiving countless freelance offers from the New York Times, Rolling Stone, and others, it is I who deserves the credit, and the mountains of money.
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER
DEAR MERCURY: The full page open letter from Calendula restaurant [Mercury, Aug. 26] was as unappealing to my eyes as their food was to my tongue. I dined at your restaurant when you first opened. There was sand in my salad, and the vegan ribs were nowhere as good as Gardenburger Meatless Riblets. The portions were minute and the bill was $40, with no wine! Seems to me you need to get into the business of pleasing people, not annoying them.
ZOOBOMBERS ARE LOUSY TIPPERS!
DEAR MERCURY: Pardon my French, but what is up with you guys always sucking Zoobomber dick in your paper? As a local bartender who has had to serve these dolts more than once, I can tell you they are some of the most uncool people I've ever met. Not only do they act like a big group of middle school kids who just had their first beers, they also tip like shit. (I think the bad tipping is due to the fact that most of them are too lazy or stupid to have jobs.) Any group of adults whose lives revolve solely around riding down a hill on little bikes is pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. I'm sure if you polled most of the bartenders in town who have to deal with these morons they would feel the same way. I generally enjoy your publication tremendously, but I'm sick of you guys giving these guys credibility.
Disgusted Alcohol Slinger
ZOOBOMBERS MAKE BETTER LOVERS!
DEAR MERCURY: Someone at the Mercury is either fucking a Zoobomber, or they owe the Zoobombers money, or they are a Zoobomber--because this paper has yet again printed a piece about these idiots in defiance of any sense. Stop promoting these morons! Have you ever been in a bar where these people are drinking? They act like six-year-olds undergoing Ritalin withdrawal! And this attitude that they are being persecuted by the police? Stop it, please. I'm not in the PPB [Portland Police Bureau] fan club, but don't you think the cops have something better to do than to respond to complaints about these people or deal with their illegally chained bikes? And another thing--their claim to greatness is (get ready to be underwhelmed) coasting downhill! That's it; that is all. The day they ride their piece of shit bikes up the hill, then they might have some bragging rights. Until then, they're just not that special.
CONGRATS TO DAVE for his challenge to the Zoobombers to bike uphill and for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." Dave wins tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, passes to see Eagles of Death Metal at Dante's on Oct. 14, and the "piece of shit" chopper bicycle that was welded to the Mercury's front door over the weekend!