DEAR MERCURY: In your Music Issue ["Case Files of the Multi-Platform Teen Mega-Stars," September 2], you state that Mandy Moore is dating Wilmer Valderrama (That 70s Show). Hello??? Don't you people watch Entertainment Tonight? (I know it's on at the same time as the News Hour, but you could at least flip over during the Richard Rodriguez essays.) Or even read the gossip on the msn.com page after you sign out of hotmail? If you did, you would know that Wilmer Valderrama is dating Lindsey Lohan. I'm disappointed.
PEOPLE MAGAZINE: BETTER THAN THE MERCURY
DEAR MERCURY: I can't name a single song by most of today's pop-tarts, nor have I seen their movies. However, I do stand in line at the grocery store and as anyone can tell you Mandy Moore used to date "Fez." They broke up and then she was hot and heavy with that tennis beefcake Andy Roddick. This relationship may recently be over, only time will tell. Rumor has it he does not like LA. Poor wittle Andy. In fact, it is Lindsay Lohan who just received a promise ring from "Fez." All this from a few covers of People and a few minutes online. See how helpful research can be?
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS: The Mercury's files have been updated to correct this egregious failure, and Teen Mega-Star Bookkeeper Erik Henriksen has been relieved of his position. The Mercury does not tolerate failure in any regard when dealing with the romantic lives of teen mega-stars, and hopes to earn back your trust as THE definitive source for teen mega-star news.
BAN BLOWHOLE BUSSE!
DEAR MERCURY: Phil Busse could do better by saying less. Too often, what seem like his sour grapes at having lost the primary seep into his "news" articles. The last paragraph of this article ["Here's Mud in Your Eye," Aug. 26] smacks more of opinion than of facts, and should have been published under that heading. If I wanted to read the disgruntled musings of a self-righteous blowhard, I would read David Reinhard.
ZOOBOMBERS DO MAKE BETTER LOVERS!
TO THE MERCURY: In response to the letters last week whining about their distaste for the Zoobombers ["Letters," Sept. 2]: the title, "Zoobombers make better lovers" was, in my experience, quite aptly named. In fact, I only know one Zoobomber, and I must say that he is quite brilliant in that regard. I for one would encourage future articles about the Zoobombers, as it was your articles that informed me of the group. It was this information that fueled the conversation that led to some really awesome sex. Thank you, Mercury for enriching my sex life.
Warmest Regards, J.
THE PEPSI CHALLENGE
HELLO MERCURY: I'm calling in response to "Letter to the Editor" saying that Zoobombers make better lovers from Dave. I'd write, but I probably won't remember to do so in the morning, as I'm a bit buzzed right now. In response to Dave--I can't pronounce the last name, so I'm not going to try--I'm a Zoobomber. I've been there since the, um, in-in-inception... Pardon my verbal, my verbal... whatever... I DO RIDE MY BIKE UPHILL! I ride it up and I do ride it down. As many times as I can. You do have a good point about acting like little kids, as Zoobombers ride 20-inch kid bikes all the way down a fucking hill. But I do ride. Um, and if you do want to throw down the Pepsi Challenge, I will be willing to ride up and down that hill at least 26 times to prove that Zoobombers have the biggest balls of all.
Ah, thank you Mercury. Um, ahhhhh, I'll try not to say um anymore times, SWEEETTT.
HELLO MERCURY AGAIN: I'm the drunken tool that just called a little bit ago saying that I'd take Dave's challenge about riding up the Zoobomb hill. I just wanted to give my name and number to make it a valid challenge. My name is Bob Jones. And my number is 780-XXXX. And, I'm more than happy to take that challenge and ride up as many as times as necessary--as well as down. Sorry that I'm a drunken idiot. I'm not really that drunk. But I am an idiot. If it's acceptable, call me. I'm happy to do it anytime. But just don't call before 2 pm.
CONGRATS TO BOB for showing his big balls. For being a champ--drunk and sober--Bob wins the Mercury "Letter of the Week," two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and two tics to the Solex show at Dante's! If you'd like to challenge Dave, contact Phil Busse at the Mercury, and we'll pass along the double dog dare!