TO OUR READERS: There are those who think the best newspapers often evoke a deep emotional response within their readers. If true, then we must be pretty great, because here are the most emotionally unbalanced letters of 2004. Thanks to all our readers who took time to write in this year, and we look forward to even more letters telling us how much we fucking suck in 2005!

WE'RE IGNORING YOUR CLITORIS

TO THE EDITOR: [Regarding the Mercury's 4th Annual Sex Survey, Jan 22.] I am hallucinating in a cave of hot sperm and blind bats, eyes bleeding worse than day one of my period because I just gouged them out with watermelon flavored Dum Dums. Why? Because the sex survey in the "left wing" Mercury doesn't mention the word clitoris. clitoris. clitoris. clitoris. clitoris. clitoris. clitoris. CLITORIS.

Orgasms 101: most women don't orgasm from guys banging away at our birthing canals. "But she screams and has wild orgasms when I pound away," you say? Well, she's FAKING.

Here's one for next year's boy section: DO YOU KNOW WHAT AND WHERE THE CLITORIS IS? The clitoris is the only human organ created solely for the purpose of pleasure, and pleasure only. Learn it, know it, love it.

Laurie

HUMPY, THE MISERABLE CUNT

DEAR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: God, how I hate you. Your grinning face all over your little provincial paper. Your monster ego massaged by your staff minions, winged monkeys on minimum wage, there for one reason… to reassure you about the size of your dick. Do me a favor… retire, close your slanderous rag, buy yourself a Hummer (the car, the sexual service, or both) and fuck off to Zimbabwe so the next time you write some tripe about poor local government, you are hanged in the town square. You miserable cunt.

Jeffrey G.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TOWEL HEADS

HEY MERCURY: The Navy Blue Angels fly F-18 Hornets not F-16 Falcons ["My, What a Busy Week," Aug 12]! That just goes to show what a bunch of ignoramuses you are! Yeah, war is shitty, but you lefties are a real danger to our society. The only thing these radical towel heads understand is death and destruction. So that's what we're giving them--DEATH AND DESTRUCTION. Remember, to them we're all infidels! It doesn't matter what political party, sexual orientation, or religion you belong to--they want to behead you because you're American!

Remember: WE WERE ATTACKED ON 9/11! WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES, YOU MORONS! LIKE IT OR NOT, WHEN THEY STRUCK THE TWIN TOWERS THEY STARTED WORLD WAR 3!

We live in the best country in the world! You better wake up and thank God you live here. And that we have a president that has some BALLS! Unlike the last one who got his balls licked in the OVAL (oral) OFFICE!

P.S. I am not a redneck, and thank you for letting me rant. Nothing personal.

Tim

WHAT'S A "TAWAIT"?

TO THE MERCURY: [Original spelling and grammar have been left uncorrected to preserve the hilarity of this letter. --editor] LIstin and learn don't you think your going to know what a Juggalo is in one night you assholes please go back to your second rate paper and eat a big pile of shit you tawaits wouldn't know what it means to write a good article you stink and your paper is cursed now always and forever for eternity HEX ME you just fucked up haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HEX ME HEX ME ok your HEXED ass holessssssss your paper hexed all who works for this paper Hexed so there happy next time don't fuck with the clowns bitchhhhhhhhh.

JOKER.

YEAST INFECTION-FREE SINCE 2003

TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: [RE: "Letters," Oct 21, in which Pixie claimed the Bush administration was directly responsible for 9/1l, and we accused her of "going off her meds"]. The reason you tried to shut me down is because your spineless little TV-addicted ass and your yeast-infected stuck-up bitch of a wife plan on breeding more little clone bitches of yourselves and thus are in denial that you live in a country whose own government is so shitty it would actually stoop as low as they did on 9/11. Why don't you and your wife come to my place for lunch, and I'll let you both feast on my non-yeast infected pussy, you motherfucking over-Zolofted TV baby?

P.S. My apologies to your wife--I'm sure she actually has a great pussy.

Pixie