I LOVE GEOGRAPHY, BABE
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Katie Shimer, you ignorant slut [Last Supper, March 3, in which Katie asserts that 1621 SE Bybee is in Sellwood]. C'mon, babe! Somebody should teach you some geography. Sellwood is a little bit further down the street, babe. No part of Bybee boulevard is in Sellwood. That neighborhood is called Westmoreland. The Sellwood neighborhood is centered more around the intersection of 13th and Tacoma and those environs. Westmoreland and Sellwood are in the same neighborhood association, but that strip along Milwaukie Ave and Bybee--that's not Sellwood. Ask somebody next time you venture down there, babe. Ask somebody what that neighborhood is called and they're not going to tell you Sellwood unless they just moved here from bumfuck New Jersey like you did, babe."
I LOVE PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP
TO THE EDITOR: Just wanted to say the Perry Bible Fellowship ["Laugh While You Can," page 67] is the funniest comic I've ever read. It's also 80% of the reason I pick up the Mercury each week. Please don't ever get rid of it.
I LOVE VIDEOGAMES AND ERIK
TO THE EDITOR: I noticed you had two items related to videogames in the last issue ["Geek Out," "Oddworld Inhabitants," March 3], and both were actually relevant and informed (and both were written by Erik Henriksen. Give him a raise). Why doesn't the Mercury have a regular column on videogames? I realize it might be difficult to find a writer able to uphold the high journalistic standards of, say, "I Love Television," but certainly not impossible (Henriksen, perhaps?). I'd read it, and I expect so would a fair number of your other readers.
I LOVE THE MERCURY (EXCEPT WHEN YOU SUCK)
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: It seems like all the letters to the editor say that the Mercury sucks. Such as the case with crybaby Sean Meagher whining that you haven't reviewed his book [Letters, March 3]. Just for the record, if you give me $7.95 I will review it. Anyway, I'm here to say that the Mercury rules! (Except when you do suck.)
I would also like to say that I also hate Dr. Phil ["I Love Television™," Feb 10]. Not because of his show, but because he is bald and has a moustache. What the fuck is wrong with the guy? I think he looks like a Muppet. Nobody in 2005 should have a moustache--they make you look gay. If you are gay I guess it's okay. Unless you're bald, then you'd look like a gay version of half-man, half Muppet Dr Phil. I also found a very disturbing image of Dr. Phil and two little boys online [see photo, below]. I hope the two youngsters aren't scarred for life.
HEY NORM! You scarred us for life by showing us that photo! Nevertheless, you walk away with the Mercury "Letter of the Week" featuring two passes to the Laurelhurst, and two tickets to see Louis XIV at Dante's on April 7. (Wow. I'm sorry, but that photo is really creepy.)
SAVE THE WILLAMETTE WEEK
While it's normally not the policy of the Mercury to promote other newspapers, today we'd like you to run out and pick up the Willamette Week. See, they're feeling very insecure because it's their 40th anniversary issue, and if no one picks it up, we're afraid they'll think they're old and washed up. You don't have to read it or anything. Just grab one, hang out at the Starbucks downtown, and if a WW person walks by, act interested in what you're looking at. You can say something like, "Oh, my. This Willamette Week article on fiduciary malfeasance within the state legislature is simply fascinating." Or you could say, "Ho! Ho! Ho! The Willamette Week really told those panhandlers where to stick it!" Remember, while 40 isn't that old, we still need to treat the elderly as if they have something to offer. This week, pick up the Willamette Week; and feign that you care.