TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: Okay, Fuck-Ball, we've been waiting, like, two weeks for this. "The Faces of Meth" ["New Column!" page 5] is the greatest thing since cocaine--it's that good. But, you're missing, like, the obvious thing. Before Meth: Yoda. After Meth: Gollum. Okay, that's it, Fuck-Ball. Bye.
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Okay, Sperm-Wipe. You want Yoda and Gollum in "Faces of Meth"? You got it! See page 5!
WHY CAN'T ZAC JUST DIE?
TO THE EDITOR: Regarding "The Myth of Subjectivity" ["You're a Music Snob!" Music Issue, March 10]. Mr. Pennington has finally written, or rather, spewed something on the page that is so irredeemably convoluted that it makes his previous work look coherent by comparison.
I guess I hate Zac for the time-honored motivation of jealousy: I wish all I had to do to earn my living was string a bunch of clichéd generalizations across my computer screen, close my eyes, randomly hit the cut-and-paste function keys, press print, and present my editor with his new roll of TP which--week after week--he miraculously chooses to publish instead of wipe his ass with.
I honestly don't see how Mr. Pennington managed to graduate high school English let alone get his own weekly column, unless he performed the same sexual favors for his teacher as he must do routinely for Wm. Steven Humphrey. Why else would the otherwise respectable Mr. Humphrey commit such drivel to print?
Why didn't you do us all a favor and DIE from your staff infection, Zac?
A SNOB WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR
TO THE EDITOR: I was disappointed I didn't read more letters last week lauding one of the best articles in the history of the Mercury, or possibly all papers, the "You're a Music Snob!" issue [March 10]. I was further disappointed that not even the intelligent and hip readership of the Mercury could distinguish satire from "vacuous, pretentious… dogshit" as one reader so eloquently put it.
As far as I could tell, the feature lampooned 75% of the Mercury's readership, and about 100% of the Mercury's staff. Zac Pennington and Co. were clearly half-kidding--but just half. They offered brilliant, well-written, and amusing insight into music snob mentality--and insight into music snobs' weaknesses. I loved it when Mr. Pennington made fun of my tiny jazz collection and most of my favorite bands. I may be a music snob, but at least I can laugh at myself.
HOMOS TO THE BACK OF THE BUS
DEAR SIRS: In the Mercury's March 17th issue, one of your editorials talked about mobilizing more direct action to complement Basic Rights Oregon ["Second Class Citizens Unite!" Wm. Steven Humphrey]. Instead of just running aground on the argument of marriage, we should use guerrilla marketing in the public space to lay out analogies regarding equal rights, and to make people re-evaluate some of the preconceptions they take for granted.
Why couldn't someone produce bumper stickers with the words "STRAIGHT ONLY" and "HOMOS ONLY" to be tossed up in public areas? Perhaps on public water fountains? Another suggestion: A sign reading "Help Wanted. No Coloreds, Longhairs, or Homos!" would be pretty effective, as well. If someone wanted to go for broke, some bus advertising along the lines of "Homosexuals to the Back of the Bus" would be hard to ignore. There are many other possibilities along these lines, with quite a few as cheap to produce as a bumper sticker or T-shirt.
Mostly, though, I just want to see someone organize a "DOMC" rally with everyone dressed in white hoods and robes. (Hmm... Defense Of Marriage Koalition?)
GAY SNOBS FOR POTTERY BARN
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Fuck Basic Rights Oregon, and your recant ["Second Class Citizens Unite!" Wm. Steven Humphrey, March 17]. The reason people won't go to work in tandem with BRO and go to the "angry gays" events is because they are a bunch of elitist snobs. If you don't fit in with their pretty little picture of gay lifestyle, don't even bother. By the way, ACT-UP didn't start to fight homophobia--we could give a fuck about what straight America thought, because we didn't give a fuck about them. It was a response to Reagan, NHI, and the CDC for the lack of funding of AIDS--this was not based in homophobia, but denial.
You see, real forward thinking queers like myself don't much care about these assimilating gays and lesbians' quest for marriage. Besides shopping at Pottery Barn, Banana Republic and Home Depot, what do these self-serving assholes really contribute to the movement? In a time when most people have no health care, where people are still dying of AIDS, and the education system is falling apart, does gay marriage really compete for importance?
Mark Church (Second Class Citizen)
MARRY ME, HUMPY!
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: First off, why would I wanna call myself a "Second Class Citizen" ["Second Class Citizens, Unite!" March 17], when there's a much crisper word for it: faggot. Secondly, I'm calling your bluff. Let's get fake gay-married. I'll meet your wannabe Tre Arrow ass at the Justice Building (where I know you'll be chained) and we'll go to the homophobic church of your choice. It'll be beautiful. You have my email, I'm free on Fridays. By the way, I'm a top.
BLECKY SAVED MY MARRIAGE
TO THE EDITOR: I'd like to counter Joshua G. and tout some love for Blecky Yuckerella ["Letters," March 17, in which Joshua expressed his extreme distaste in Johnny Ryan's weekly cartoon]. I personally think the strip is hilarious, and it's also the ace up my sleeve when engaged in gross-out sparring with my honey. He can be such a nasty, twisted fuck--but Blecky is his Achilles' heel. I slip it under his nose, promising, "No, you'll like this one," and he grudgingly reads it, dry-heaves, gives me a go-to-hell look, and VICTORY IS MINE! Thanks, Johnny Ryan! Oh, and hey, Perry Bible Fellowship is the best strip. EVER.
AIR AMERICA RULEZ, ERIK DROOLZ
TO THE MERCURY: Who in the hell is this babbling asshole in the first place--[Erik Henriksen, "Why I Hate Air America," March 17]! Hey Erik, FUCK YOU! Is that reactionary enough for you? How about I send you a commemorative stamp of my ass so you can--lick it?--It really sounds like you're just jealous, because you--completely failed to mention the multitude of information Air America gives their audience on a daily basis. All you could do was bitch about personality traits or voices you found unappealing. That's the same childish shit we get from the right, instead of real debate. --I can only imagine how much work goes into making shows like that, five days a week. Especially since they've stuck to the facts. And for some unknown ass-dart like yourself to say, "Now all that's left is for Air America to transform into a station that's actually worth listening to, and we'll be set," that is as offensive as anything I've heard on Fox. And by the way, there is no "we," you phosphate sippin' Republican failure!--
Brian in N.E.P.
GO ORGANIC, GO BROKE
TO THE EDITOR: The first thing I did when I read "Don't Panic, Buy Organic!" was panic [Katie Shimer, March 17]. My kitchen is jammed floor-to-ceiling-to-refrigerator with the axis of evil foodstuffs (Bush, Monsanto, Dept. of Agribusiness), and I've been drinking tap water all my life! So I cleared it all out, and ran down to Whole Paycheck to completely restock the larder and take the first step on my new path to--a detoxified life. I started from scratch, bought everything including bottled water, and when I checked out, the bill was $437. But what the fuck, right? "Propagation of the human race" ain't cheap. Out of curiosity, I went back to Freddies, and compared the prices there with everything I bought. It added up to $212. That's a difference of $224. I'm--a $9.75 an hour dishwasher, about $8 after taxes. That's close to 30 hours of labor. I figured I'd better do some serious thinking. So, I checked out the actuarial charts on the net, and found out buying organic would add 3 1/2 years to my life, but working the extra hours needed to pay for it (as a dishwasher) would take off 11 years--a loss of 7 1/2 years. What kind of bullshit is that?
So, do me a favor--if you're going to shill for that overpriced yuppie crap, do it in your advertising section, not in the features section of the paper.
CONGRATULATIONS TO LOUIS for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" If anybody deserves to get two free passes to the Laurelhurst, and tickets to see NoMeansNo at Berbati's on May 6, it's this guy. (And don't worry, Louis! These tix are 100% organic!)