BOYCOTT US… PLEASE!
[A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: On our front cover is an unedited letter sent to us by Douglas R. Scott, president of "Life Decisions International"--a group whose sole purpose is to put Planned Parenthood out of business. Here's our response to Mr. Scott!]
DEAR MR. SCOTT: Thank you for your recent correspondence. It gladdens my heart to see people who still see the necessity in standing up for what's right. Bearing that in mind, the Portland Mercury is thrilled that Life Decisions International has chosen us to be included in your upcoming publication, The Boycott List. We have struggled long and hard to provide corporate and moral support to Planned Parenthood, and until now, it felt like no one had even noticed. But now that the Portland Mercury is featured in The Boycott List, we can shove it in the face of all those other liberal organizations, and say, "You think you love abortion? Well… look at THIS! We reaaaaaaaalllly love abortion!"
But abortion is not the only reason we love Planned Parenthood. We love how they provide much needed health services such as safe sex counseling, gynecological exams, prenatal care, pregnancy testing, treatment for STDs and much more--all at a reasonable cost. Their services were especially helpful when your wife gave me Chlamydia, or that time I impregnated your daughter. (Wait… maybe that was some other Christian bigot's wife and daughter. Regardless, those gals love to party!) But Planned Parenthood isn't just for the promiscuous daughters and wives of hypocritical honky Anti-choice crackers. It's for any woman who believes in the American right to choose, and make responsible decisions regarding her own body.
So thank you once again for recognizing the Portland Mercury's continuing devotion and support for Planned Parenthood by including us in The Boycott List--and if it's not too late, we'd like to make one more request: Is there any way you can push us to the top of the list?
Wm. Steven Humphrey, Editor, Portland Mercury
FORCE FEEDING FASHION
TO THE EDITOR: Looking at photos and videos of Terri Schiavo], I noticed that in the "before" pictures she was a babe, and dressed very fashionably. --In the "after" pictures, she has a haircut like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, and awful shirts with Peter Pan collars. If it were true, as her parents claim, that she has awareness and ability to communicate, wouldn't she have fought them when they tried to dress her in those ugly shirts?
ANOTHER "FOLLYWOOD LIB"
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: The President is a real dick? [I Love Television™, March 17] Does he remind ME of anyone? Yeah, it does. YOU, you fuckin' asswipe Liberal faggot!! Just give us the news about TV, not your left-winging, right-winged bashing that you Follywood Libs like to do in your spare time, you twerp! Now, get back to work or I'll torture you so badly it will make the CTU unit seem like a pile of French Brie--which is where you can take your idiotic anti-American comments… to your fellow wimps in France!! USA, USA!
WHY I HATE ERIK HENRIKSEN
TO THE EDITOR: Erik Henriksen is a fool ["Why I Hate Air America," March 17]. Though entitled to his own taste, his take on AA displayed a profound ignorance of the network.
While it's fine that Mr. Henriksen doesn't like the on-air talent, equating them with Rush Limbaugh is beyond the pale. Limbaugh routinely lies to his audience. And while some AA hosts may use "manipulative" techniques, they do not lie or make up facts. And while some hosts do have conspiracy theories, at least they're citing facts--facts that the mainstream media often filter out.
I wonder how Mr. Henriksen can so flippantly assume AA would have died a natural death if Kerry won. As if all opposition to the Democrats would fizzle with a Kerry presidency, allowing progressives to forget politics again. Well, fuck you. I think we'd have had plenty of things to keep fighting about, and that the memory of Bush would have scared us into paying attention to politics for decades to come.
Yes, she can be kind of a harpy, but I love to hear Randi Rhodes hand conservative callers their asses, and it's so fucking much more interesting than NPR. God, I love Air America! And it pisses me off when people bag on them.
FOR HIS STIRRING DEFENSE of Air America, Michael wins the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" which includes two passes to the Laurelhurst, and two tickets to see Rasputina at Dante's on May 10. We salute your passion, sir!