TO THE MERCURY: Occasionally a staff writer appears more interested in appearing clever than in doing journalism. Case in point: Wm. Steven Humphrey's I Love Television, "Goodnight, Monkey Nurse," about the orangutan formerly featured on the soap Passions [April 7].
Evidently Mr. Humphrey is unaware how very un-funny this particular subject is. The entertainment industry's use of orangutans and chimpanzees is an inhumane practice that forces unnatural behavior on our closest relatives through beatings and intimidation.
Please learn the sad truth about primates in the entertainment industry. Then, if you still think it's funny, you can visit your local SPCA branch for some local animal abuse stories that you'll find fucking HILARIOUS.
PORTLAND BOYCOTTS BIGOTS
TO THE MERCURY: You guys are the best. --Just wanted to let you know that Life Decisions International now has a separate option on their voicemail to deal with the calls they receive in response to your cover [March 31]. --They also have some hilarious rebuttals to both your and your readers' responses posted on their web site [www.fightpp.org]. Your example has inspired many others to donate to Planned Parenthood. --It looks like LDI's ill-conceived campaign is benefiting PP far more than it's hurting them--thanks in no small part to your help. ------
Daniel C. Meyer
DON'T LIKE THE POPE
TO THE EDITOR: In a rational world, the late pope would have been hung for crimes against humanity. He used his position to threaten the most impoverished, superstitious, uneducated people in the most overcrowded countries of the world with eternal damnation for practicing birth control.
If I believed in hell, I'd hope he's there now--in a very crowded, disease-infested slum, watching the millions of unwanted children starve before him.
CHRISTIANS AGAINST BIGOTRY
HELLO MERCURY: I love your magazine. However, I was disturbed by the responses printed in this week's letters [April 7, in which our readers lambasted Christians]. First of all, George Bush is NOT the president for everyone who is a Christian. Yes, there are crazy/insane bigots who give off messages of overzealous hate, but those bigots exist on both ends of the spectrum, not just one. Please take the time to show both sides.
CHRISTIANS ARE FUNNY
TO THE MERCURY: An eternity of torment is forever. If you or someone you care about has not accepted God, please do today. As he is real and alive you need to realize this. The following prayer can save you or someone that you love.
Say, "Oh God, save my soul. I'm so sorry that I have sinned against you, but I have come home. I will serve you, Lord, the rest of my life. Deliver me from all my sinful habits. Set me free! I do believe Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away all my sins, all my sins!" Say, "Come into my heart, Jesus; come on in, Jesus. Come on in!"
If you meant it, He has come. If you meant it, Jesus is yours. Start reading your Bible, pray daily for all those you care about, including your dead loved ones, and believe that somebody's listening. His name is Jesus, and you are now saved.
TO THE MERCURY: I'm writing in response to getting a lame-ass AOL disc in the middle of my beloved Mercury [March 31]. WTF?!? I know you guys would do anything for money--shit, I'd screw a donkey if the money was right--but this is the lowest form of shit I've ever seen in your rag. I would've thought you guys hated that type of corporate whoremongering. But hey, fuck it. I'm sure you guys used that corporate money to buy a bunch of blow and hookers, so I guess it's not all that bad. Keep up the bad work, you evil sons a bitches!
CONGRATS TO RYAN for winning the Mercury's "Letter of the Week!" For correctly pointing out we'd do anything for money (depending on what the donkey looks like), Ryan will receive two passes to the Laurelhurst, two tickets to see Earlimart at Dante's on May 19, and a dumpster full of AOL discs. Kidding! And I've accepted Jesus into my heart. Kidding!