CATCH THE COKED-UP GO-KART
DEAR EDITOR: In his "Another 'Innocent' Cop" piece [News, June 30], Phil Busse fails to mention that Kendra James had a near lethal dose of cocaine in her system. He then wonders aloud why the cops couldn't control this 120-pound woman.

Here's what I suggest for the Mercury: Give Marjorie Skinner (I'm betting she weighs about 120) a near lethal dose of coke. Then strap her into a go-kart and let her loose in the Mercury's office. Then tell Phil he has to stop and contain her. Ha, Ha, I would pay to see Phil get run over by Marjorie Skinner on a coke binge!!! Try to include both sides on the story, Phil. I am not the biggest fan of the cops, but--come on, dude!

Troy "Duce" Miller

BORING PEOPLE ARE BORING
TO THE EDITOR: I'd like to know who thought it would be funny to let Justin Wescoat Sanders write about the Waterfront Blues Festival [Up & Coming, June 30]. Did you make him stick something sharp and pointy up his ass, or is he always just a modern-rock snob with a fear of pasty people? Makin' fun of the neighbors from Beaverton isn't cool, man--at least they HAVE a reason to get their kids out to cultural events that don't include Nascar. If Safeway wants to bring us good music AND help feed Oregon's hungry, why are you knocking them? Besides, Justin, as my grandma used to say, "only boring people get bored." I guess that means you're boring with a capital "B." Hope you're not single, 'cause you suck!

Heather Smith

THE BURNING EYES OF HONEST ABE
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Re.: "Mercury Purchases 80-Foot-Tall Lincoln Robot" [June 30]. You state that your robotic Abe's eyes have "laser beams that light that ass up to the tune of 12,000 degrees Celsius! (That's twice as hot as the sun!)" Where the fuck did you get your science education? Alabama? A simple Google would have turned up the fact that the sun's core is actually around 15 million degrees Celsius. I called you out on your shit, now where's my damn movie tickets?

Mike Grigsby

WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY RESPONDS: Actually, I DID get my science education in Alabama, and while they may have taught us that Jesus created the dinosaurs, they correctly informed me that the temperature of the SURFACE of the sun is 6,000 degrees Celsius, which makes 12,000 TWICE as hot as the sun! Now stop trying to hurt my feelings, or I'll have my 80-foot Lincoln kick your ass!

OUT-GEEKED AGAIN!
DEAR MERCURY: You are such a bunch of posers [Destination Fun, June 30]. You show a poorly-Photoshopped Sony PSP with the quintessential Nintendo game on the screen, and you think no one would notice? Super Mario Bros. will be available for Sony systems when they pry it from Nintendo's cold, dead hands. It hurts me deep inside and makes the baby Jesus stabby to see such blatant disregard for merchandising. You shoulda had the geek that writes game reviews double-check your lazy asses, since you obviously don't give a shit about gaming.

Heather A.

ERIK HENRIKSEN RESPONDS: To be fair, I noticed this too--but upon seeing the gaffe, I had to ask myself two questions: 1. Do I (yet again) point out how insanely geeky and pathetic I am by (yet again) pointing out a negligible geek-related image error? 2. Do I really think anyone except for myself is lame enough to (a) notice this, and (b) throw their own tantrum?

My answers were all "no." Though I guess I was wrong on both parts of the second question. But for your ultra-geekiness, Heather, you win our "Letter of the Week!" prize package which includes two authentic tickets to the Laurelhurst, two passes to see the Briefs at Dante's on July 21, and a $30 dinner at No Fish! Go Fish!

LAST CHANCE TO AUDITION FOR PIZZAZZ!
That's right! This is your last chance to audition for the Mercury's all-city, all-ages TALENT SHOW, to be held in late August. Singers, musicians, rappers, dancers, jugglers--anybody with talent can be the winner of $1,000 IN CASH PLUS PRIZES! Email zach@portlandmercury.com by WEDNESDAY, JULY 13 to reserve an audition time. Hit portlandmercury.com for details!