FAN MAIL FROM ESTACADA
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hi, this is Peggy. I live seven miles south of Estacada, and we received a copy of the 'Best of Estacada' issue [Aug 11]—and think it's just hilarious. You pretty much nailed it. I'm not offended, but I also know Estacada's a pretty peculiar place. On the other hand the town is really coming up culturally, and us artist types have been working hard to make that happen. But it's still a pretty strange town. Oh, and the Soviet Thriftway part? Thank you for saying that. Their prices are so high it's ridiculous. Anyway I'm going to come into town next week to pick up a stack of this issue when I do my shopping at Winco. Thanks a lot!"
CHRIST IS COMING (LOOK BUSY!)
DEAR MERCURY STAFF (AKA All Who Hate God): I read your column "Ask Reverend Buddy" ["New Column," Aug 11]. My heart was grieved. I felt I should make a declaration over your lives.
Repent to Christ. Ask for cleansing from your evil hearts. He has the power to change your mind—only if you turn to Him. Seek Him. But if you choose not to be ready, it is your free will. And when your body is stricken with disease and not even the doctors can save you, when you're lying on your deathbed looking at the door to the other side, if you cry out to him and ask Him to forgive you, he will. Even when you have spent your days mocking Him and striking Him on the cheek. He will answer you if you cry out to Him and He will pour into your hearts—a pure love that you never would have known otherwise.
I do not write to you to condemn you, nor do I write for any other reason than to say—to declare—His return is coming soon. Repent come underneath the blood of Christ that eternal death may pass over you. May God lead you into all truth.
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER
TO THE EDITOR: As a parent, I half agree with Matt D. ["Letters," Aug 11, in which Matt proclaimed that he was glad that a young tagger, Rafael Fauria, "got the shit kicked out of him" and was struck by a car. This note is from the boy's mother.]. When my son Raf was, in fact, [first] caught writing graffiti as a minor, I made sure he paid every cent of his legal fees out of his own pocket and completed his community service. He needed to learn a lesson and I'm sorry that he did not. However, I maintain my original stance that in this case the punishment did not fit the crime. As for the woman who drove drunk, critically injuring my son, and kept on going... karma does not require that she carry insurance, the State of Oregon does.
WELCOME TO ASSHOLE CLUB
TO THE MERCURY: So I'm dying to know... do you hire ALL the disgruntled Red Light employees or just the ones who took a journalism class at PCC? Maybe you could run late night crash courses in thing like "Metaphoric Moviebashing 101" and "Advanced Shock Value" for a couple hundred bucks a head and just pick the "Antago-dictiorian." Plus, the extra funding would come in handy when the hooker ad money's running low. Who's corporate cock did you have to suck anyways to afford that little trip to Japan ["Last Week in Japan," July 28]? Tsk. Tsk. At least you manage to always be more interesting than the Willamette, which is the cultural equivalent of TV Guide. Remember... the first rule of Asshole Club is "publish anything conveying we are Assholes"!
Still Slinging Drinks for Scumbags
CONGRATS TO SSDFS for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week"! While Phil Amara paid for his own trip to Japan, I'm sure he sucked somebody's cock to get there. I'll ask him. In the meantime, enjoy your tickets to the Laurelhurst, two tickets to see Local H at Dante's on Tues Sept. 27, and a $30 dinner at No Fish! Go Fish! (where you can receive 10 percent off any entrée by simply showing your official Mercury Asshole Card).