OUR LOVE OF CHRIST MADE US RICH!
TO THE PORTLAND MERCURY: My name is Mrs. Jennifer Wilson. I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to you.
I have decided to WILL/donate the sum of $1,500,000 (one million, five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the Lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.
I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Kindly contact my lawyer through this email address firstname.lastname@example.org, so that he can arrange the release of the funds ($1,500,000) to you. I know I have never met you but I have been directed to do this by God, and I hope you act sincerely. Love,
Mrs. Jennifer Wilson
ZAC DOESN'T SMILE
TO ZAC PENNINGTON: I just wanted to say how happy I am for not letting your snobbery rob me of a most beautiful experience [Music, Aug 25]. "Brian Wilson Presents Smile" was a concert full of joy, hope, and the most rich and virtuosic music I have heard this side of Stravinsky. Imagine the Schnitzer packed with people of all ages, hipsters to seniors, standing up and dancing like no one was watching. That is the power of his music. Wilson himself was full of humor and good spirits, not to mention with his voice intact, not perfect mind you, but inspiring nonetheless. Not the "puppet" you wish us to believe. Your mean-spirited attack on this living genius makes me feel sad. Like many critics, you cannot create beauty, so you attempt to undermine it with shallow words.
HOW NOT TO GET A JOB
TO THE EDITOR: I was searching for information about Cass McCombs on Google, and wandered onto an article by one of your pathetic scribes, Zac Pennington [Music, Aug 18]. I'm sure you pride yourself in printing his articles, etc.... But c'mon, whenever I listen to a writer complain that he has a hard time expressing a word about an artist he likes, I feel like taking a shit in that writer's mouth. That kind of sentence reeks of a paper who pays no cents for the words it prints. I believe I read the same drivel from this writer last year, when he attempted to express himself on the Magnetic Fields. In future articles, please attempt to recognize these sentences as a selfish ploy for the lazy writer to reach his word minimums and stop boring your readership. In closing, do you have any current openings for staff writers? Will you soon?
"MWAHAHA" RIGHT BACK ATCHA, PHARMACISTS!
TO "BULLFIGHTER": [Letters, Aug 4, in which "Bullfighter" defends a morally opposed pharmacist's right to refuse to prescribe the morning after pill, as printed from a posting on "Blog Town, USA!"] Isn't a pharmacist's job to provide legal drugs and medications to individuals who come to him or her for help?! What if a pharmacist looks down upon premarital sex? Should they have the right to deny me birth control because they don't want to be a "passive participant" in my behavior? Giving out the morning after pill (which is actually just a higher dose of birth control) should not have anyone questioning their ethical standards as a pharmacist or a person—it's not like selling crack to little eight-year-old girls.
If anyone reading this does find themselves in need of ECP [Emergency Contraceptive Pills], please bypass those superior moral pharmacists and call 1-888-Not-2-Late. It's a 24-hour line that can direct you to a pharmacist who will prescribe ECP and will save you the trauma of having to deal with those who enjoy slathering their pesky morals all over us (i.e., "OMG you dirty slut you need ECP—HAHAHA! Well I'm a moral citizen so I'm NOT going to prescribe it to you MWA-HAHAHA!").
CONGRATS TO CHRISTINA for winning the Mercury's "Letter of the Week" and letting us know how to circumvent self-righteous pharmacists, as well as for bridging the link between the printed Mercury and its blog/forum, Blog Town, USA! Join conversations on everything from politics to happy hours at www.portlandmercury.com. For her multimedia, feminist prowess, Cristina gets two tickets to see Local H at Dante's on September 27, two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, plus a $30 gift certificate to No Fish! Go Fish!