PORTLAND'S NOT A MOUNTAIN, DOUCHEBAG
TO THE EDITOR: Merely a short discourse regarding bicycles, from a concerned bike owner to Ms. "Hardcore Chick" [Letters, Sept 29, in which "Envirogirl" lambastes the Mercury for saying only "douchebags ride mountain bikes"]. I fear you have fallen into the "bike snobbery" that you seem to hate most; and regretfully in its lamest form, the mountain bike.
There is nothing on two wheels more flamboyantly unnecessary than a mountain bike in Portland. At the risk of sounding like a minimalist, I ask you, "What do you need with a heavy-duty frame and knobby tires in the middle of the fucking city?!"
You express disgust with "frail frames" and "beat-up cruisers," but I must confess I have felt equal disgust with your kind. I have come to terms with the fact that not every SUV owner sports the utility; and not everyone that shops at Columbia Sportswear goes on Arctic missions, but this is where I draw the line. You are proof that many whom own mountain bikes are guilty of the very same misunderstanding as to their intended use (Thankfully the Mercury was kind enough to point out this douchebaggery.) They do not call them MOUNTAIN bikes simply to pander to your idea of being "Hardcore."
IN DEFENSE OF THE PEARL
TO THE MERCURY: [Letters, Sept 22, in which Beaverton resident Ian blasts Rachel and Dennis for living in the Pearl District.] Dear Ian... We enjoyed reading your letter while sipping lattes in our loft. However, living in dense, multi-unit dwellings uses fewer resources than living in "McMansions" in Beaverton. Here are just a few examples: (1) Living in dense, multi-unit dwellings takes less space than in individual structures. (Could you really not figure that out?) (2) Having people live close in to an urban area uses fewer resources for transportation—people can walk or take public transit to work, shop, and dine out. (How's that $3 per gallon gas treating you?) (3) Multi-unit dwellings are more energy efficient ($15 per month electric bill for 1,000 square feet is quite nice). Oh, and you are more than welcome to continue going to Henry's and P.F. Chang's so long as you cease defecating in the streets.
Rachel and Dennis
SHOW ME THE COLORED FOLK!
TO THE MERCURY: I usually enjoy your paper until I come across the restaurant reviews where generally the places picked are somewhere in the 'hood (N or NE Portland). What strikes me as odd, however, is the photo of the diners. Show me the colored folk!
These lame-ass trendy vegan, vegetarian, overpriced yuppie/hipster restaurants that seem to be sprouting up all over the fucking place never seem to have any colored folk in them. Where are they? I want to see ONE PHOTO of someone of color in these restaurant reviews. Just one. Or, how about a review on an African American owned restaurant with genuine African Americans eating there (Popeye's doesn't count). For being such a leftist liberal rag, I'd assume a "We love everybody" attitude. Or is that only when you can hide behind your vegetarian, organic hummus plate?
TO THE EDITOR: I've noticed lately that the ever-so enjoyable column, I, Anonymous [page 63], has been filled with people complaining about things that could easily be changed, if confronted head on; assholes talking during a movie, for example, or friends who you "like" but actually want to fall off a cliff while getting hit by a train. This is all well and good, but consider this: Most of these problems, if not all, could be remedied if people did one simple thing; GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE, YOU LOSERS.
Don't just sit there and take it; all you're doing is insuring that these people stay dickweeds, and you still have to suffer them. Finally, use "I, Anonymous" for the true reason it's there; confessing to murder without repercussions, or telling your best friend that you fucked him up the ass with a baseball bat when he was passed out drunk.
CONGRATS TO REDGE for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week!" For reminding us of the true meaning of "I, Anonymous," Redge will receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst, a $30 certificate to No Fish! Go Fish!, and two passes to see Youth Group at Berbati's on Oct 24. AND REMEMBER! You can submit or read tons of "I, Anonymous" submissions in Blog Town, USA (conveniently located at www.portlandmercury.com). So take that bat out of your friend's butt, and check it out!