WHY I HATE THE HOMELESS
TO THE EDITOR: I hate homeless people—and not because they're dealing drugs or committing crimes [Letters, Oct 27]. I hate them because I have to walk past steaming piles of human shit whenever I walk downtown. I'm sure not every homeless person shits on the sidewalk and uses the city as a storage space for their piss-covered cardboard—but I still hate them all.
There's a reason people are homeless and it's because they are fucking lazy. I often wish I had disintegration beams that shot out of my eyes and could make them go away with one look. Until then, I will be happy with anything the city does to keep them the fuck away from me and our streets shit free. Also, if the city has any ideas of how to stop the drunk sorostitutes (sorority prostitutes) from puking in the bushes, that would be nice too.
CELEBRATE "MICROWAVE WEAPONS AWARENESS WEEK"
DEAR SIR: November 13, 2004 was "Microwave Weapons Awareness Week." The problem with microwave weapons comes not from the CIA, the military, or mad scientists doing brain-control tricks. The problem comes from civilians in apartments using homemade microwave guns to harass their neighbors.
Microwave guns are silent. The only clue is the sound of a large microwave oven being started just before the terrifying onslaught of extreme physical pain, bodily convulsions, or nausea. Few people are reporting attacks because they are not aware their pain and discomfort is caused by outside forces. Those that do report are thought of as deranged unless they have witnesses or metered printouts of microwave activity.
There are websites that advertise microwave gun kits and hundreds of blogs from potential shooters wanting information on how to become a microwave assassin. If you are interested in a story from someone who was a victim of a homemade microwave gun you may contact me through email.
DEPT. OF CLOWN COMPLAINTS
TO THE MERCURY: Regarding the Clown House article [News, Oct 27, in which anonymous Alberta District neighbors have been complaining about the residents of the "Clown House"]. I believe all complaints should be logged FORMALLY and signed. So when it becomes obvious that you are not neighbors or local business owners with legitimate gripes, your whimperings can be disregarded as what they really are: cowardly gropes at greed and profit. Neighborly complaints should be sent to the offending house, with names and numbers included, so a DIALOGUE can be instigated. This would encourage neighbors to actually TALK to each other, without revealing the plaintiff's home phone or address.
As for business complaints, this city is FIRST a place for humans to LIVE, and commerce is secondary, RIGHT? Any weird shit a guy in a clown suit chooses to do semi-quietly in his own yard is that man's prerogative.
CLOWNS ARE THE PROBLEM
TO THE EDITOR: Regarding the impending "cleanup" of the Clown House on NE Alberta: To portray Dizmal and Jones as victims of gentrification is an irresponsible and dangerous misuse of the word. Gentrification occurs when a group holding institutional power (whether it comes from white businessmen or white clowns) drastically change a neighborhood with their presence, drive up the rent and make it difficult for the original communities to live in their rightful neighborhoods.
The Alberta District—re-named "Alberta Arts" by the quirky artists who have made the area theirs—is a historically African American neighborhood. Because of gentrification, black owned businesses are going under and lifelong residents are being forced out.
I don't want to see the clown's home turn into a Starbucks either. But what white artists should understand is that their presence paved the way for the changes they now speak out against. When white artists, charmed by the "edgy" neighborhoods of NE Portland move in, they make it safe for the influx of money, investors, homogeny, and the tidal wave of displacement known as gentrification.
The "Clown House" are not the victims of gentrification— they're part of the problem.
CONGRATS TO JODI for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." Jodi will receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst, two passes to see Dressy Bessy at Dante's on Thurs Nov 10, and free instructions on how to build a microwave gun. How she uses it is her own business.