BRITISH PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS
TO THE MERCURY VIA THICK ENGLISH ACCENTED VOICEMAIL: "I just read your most recent edition of the paper, and I like the chap who left the letter—"Dom"—regarding last week's cover [Letters, Dec 8, referring to Cover, Dec 1, on which the highest bidder for the item "Design a cover of the Mercury" in our 2004 charity auction, Bishops, cashed in and used the space to advertise their holiday party. See page 17 for details on this year's charity auction items.]. I was kind of surprised as well when I saw it. And you're saying that this is the winning design for the cover competition? If this is all that Portland has to offer on a competition like that, then its art scene is in a pretty sad state, I have to say. Someone put an ad for Bishops on the front cover of the Portland Mercury, and I just think that's pretty sad, because I thought you guys were bigger than that, to be honest. And at the Dixie Tavern of all places, I mean, come on."
HEY MR. WASTE OF PREGNANCY [Wm Steven Humphrey, I Love Television, Dec 8]: God doesn't hate underpants, or hot girls, he just hates how rejects like you sneak through natural selection. Just go to Wal-Mart and buy some panties, put them on, and look at yourself in the mirror all day. But please don't leave the house like that, someone might do us all a favor and shove you into a mulch machine.
NO, THAT'S FUCKED UP
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: "I'm here looking at your online charity gift auction items [Feature, Dec 8], and I see that for the "Date with the Mercury Girls" and the "Date with the Mercury Boys," everyone on your staff is white—every single person. I think that's really fucked up."
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: So you're saying we should put our black employees up for sale in the auction? No, THAT'S fucked up!
LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND HOMELESS
DEAR JUSTIN: I just finished reading your article on JOIN [Feature, Dec 8]. You state that homelessness is a "debilitating psychological condition" and that to be homeless is "to stop believing you can be anything but." For heaven's sake! There are a lot of us "troubled" homeless people who are choosing to live without a roof over our heads voluntarily. For example, my boyfriend and I are both college educated, have stable jobs that pay way more than minimum wage, and own memberships to an athletic club where we work out and shower. Then at night we sleep outside in our happy little "home" that is not only dry and warm, but also very well hidden and safe. The best part? We're loaded! While most people are bitching incessantly about being broke every single month and having to pay their slimy landlord so they can live in the shithole they call home, we're flying down to Napa for a week-long winery tour.
SAY NO TO CRACK
to the editor: I was surprised to read the article "An Inconceivable Solution" in your December 1 issue and see CRACK [Children Requiring a Caring Kommunity, now known as Project Prevention] portrayed in such a favorable light. CRACK targets the most vulnerable of our society, perpetuating the harmful stereotypes of "crack babies" and uncaring women who give little thought to bearing "litters of children." They attack women's reproductive capacity as the primary ill of society, rather than addressing any of the oppressive conditions that lead to poverty and drug use. Does this not reek of eugenics to everyone who hears it?
DEAR MERCURY: I never thought a lot of the Mercury until you started to print the words of this fine gentleman [Cpl. Mortimer Humphrey, Dec 1 & 8]. Mr. Humphrey is my kind of guy, and if he can get away from the rest home on a Saturday night I would be proud to buy him a beer—PBR of course, as I'm sure he wouldn't go for any of those microbrew-y things.
Stephen D. Ruch
CONGRATULATIONS TO STEPHEN for volunteering to babysit Wm. Steven Humphrey's incontinent, senile, ornery, hemorrhoid cream stinking, war flashback-having, dear old grandpappy. For his kind generosity, he will receive two tickets to see Big Business on Thurs Dec 22 at Dante's, plus two tickets to the Laurelhurst. Have fun, you two—just remember, he needs to be in bed by eight.