HUMPY: BIGGER THAN JESUS?
TO WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY: Rock on! I LOVE your article "Sorry, God" [I Love TV, Dec 15]. I am so thrilled that someone with a public voice not only shares my opinions, and is not afraid to voice them. I am so tired of all this homophobic bullshit and prejudice spewed out by the bigots of the Christian Coalition. I was raised in the Baptist church, but thank God I'm in recovery now. (Pun intended.) When I was a child I was told to hate blacks, Jews, gays, and anyone else that didn't think and act exactly like my preacher. Since I've gotten out of the church I have found so much love and acceptance in all of those groups. God doesn't hate people, why do his followers? Well, praise Steven Humphrey and God for letting this message be heard!
NEW MANAGEMENT SUCKS-SUCKS
DEAR MERCURY: [RE: Courtney Taylor-Taylor of the Dandy Warhols taking over the Mercury, Dec 15] I had the pleasure of seeing the Dandy Dandies many years ago at the Satyricon. Years later, I saw them [again] at the Pine St. Theater. Many members of the audience were new to the Dandies, from the suburbs, super young, and of course got really pumped up when they started to play. In some sort of "commercialism defiance" they actually STOPPED playing, and Mr. Taylor-Taylor said to the crowd, "Why don't you all just go back to Gresham?!!" I just sat there mouth agape and thought WTF??? Ever since that moment I hated that weasely little double-named fucker AND his band. Go live in Europe-Europe if you hate your fans so much here.
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: Could you please stop printing whatever Mr. Taylor-Taylor's little coked-up brain spits out ["Hey Retailer! Norman Mailer Needs an Inhaler!" Courtney Taylor-Taylor, Dec 15]? It was bad enough watching him talk about his genius in DiG!, he surely doesn't need the encouragement of two local papers making him think what he says is either interesting or important. Please, no more.
Brian "the racist you rode in on" Jones
BETTER THAN TAYLOR-TAYLOR?
DEAR MERCURY: After reading the article by Courtney Taylor-Taylor, "Hey Retailer! Norman Mailer Needs an Inhaler!" [Dec 15], my rhymes, in comparison, seemed a shade paler-paler! Which left me feeling quite like a failure. So I took a hit from my Readi-Whip inhaler, grabbed my gun (I'm a world-class quailer) and walked outside my single-wide trailer (purchased wholesale, I hate retail). I walked through my yard, made from rough shale, then I hailed Gail Graylor, my next-door neighbor, who went to school at Baylor-Baylor, from Baylor to a Portland trailer, my neighbor Ms. Graylor, who works as a tailor's tailor.
"Gail Graylor!" I hailed her, "Are my rhymes truly pale? Paler than Courtney Taylor-Taylor's?"
"Who's this fellow Taylor-Taylor?" asked my neighbor, Gail Graylor.
"You've never heard of Courtney Taylor-Taylor? He's a singer, he worked with Norman Mailer-Mailer! They wrote some story about a whale, err, yeah, and something about a sailor-sailor."
"You mean Moby Dick?" asked Gail Graylor, who, after all, went to Baylor-Baylor.
If looks could kill I'd be Vlad the Impaler. I leveled my rifle, said, "Are you mocking me, Graylor?" I exhaled and readied my finger to nail her. For a moment I dreamed about being Gail's jailer, but instead I just wailed, "I'm a worthless failure! I just can't rhyme like Taylor-Taylor."
"A failure?" said my neighbor Graylor, who can be quite a ranter and a railer. "You—a failure? Look at me, I went to Baylor, and now I live in this stupid trailer. Work all day as a tailor's tailor, drink and curse like an old horny sailor. My life just can't get any staler."
"Stale?" I asked my neighbor Gail.
"Stale," said Gail, her face less pale, "Hell, yer not a failure. A failure? I've never met a better quailer."
"Of course, a quailer!" I said to Ms. Graylor. "You're right, I'm quite the quail slayer! I might not rhyme like Taylor-Taylor, but that doesn't mean I'm just a failure!"
CONGRATULATIONS TO RYAN for wowing us with this tremendous literary achievement! In appreciation of his rhyming skills, which in our opinion can certainly compete with those of Courtney Taylor-Taylor, he receives tickets to see the Briefs on Thurs Jan 5 at Dante's, as well as two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. Bravo-bravo!