HEY READERS: While we adore every single letter sent to us, we get a particular kick out of those that profess to hating our fucking guts. Here are our favorite "I Hate Your Fucking Guts" letters of 2005! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
GOOD TO KNOW!
TO THE MERCURY: You're a bunch of close-minded bigots. Go to hell.
I'LL NEVER BUY THE MERCURY AGAIN!
DEAR MERCURY MAGAZINE: I am embarrased to even be caught reading such a horid magazine. Bowling for Soup is one of the most colourful and entertaining bands ever! I deffinatly don't want anything to do with your magazine. I will never in my life purchase another copy. You have quite a disappointing magazine. Extreamly upset!
mean to JONBENET
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICE MAIL: "I read the "JonBenet Ramsey Street Team" column [New Column!, Feb 3], and I was really disturbed you printed the photo of a little girl who was kidnapped and murdered and tried to make it some type of comic parody. I've decided to contact all the Mercury advertisers and ask them to recuse themselves from publishing ads with you. This is the only way to really have an impact on a publication that thinks it's okay to do things this horrible. Thank you, bye."
ANOTHER "FOLLYWOOD LIB"
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: The president is a real dick [I Love Television™, March 17]? Does he remind ME of anyone? Yeah, it does. YOU, you fuckin' asswipe liberal faggot!! Just give us the news about TV, not your left-winging, right-winged bashing that you Follywood Libs like to do in your spare time, you twerp! Now, get back to work or I'll torture you so badly it will make the CTU unit seem like a pile of French brie—which is where you can take your idiotic anti-American comments... to your fellow wimps in France!! USA, USA!
TO THE MERCURY: I'm writing in response to getting a lame-ass AOL disc in my beloved Mercury [March 31]. WTF?!? I know you guys would do anything for money—shit, I'd screw a donkey if the money were right—but this is the lowest form of shit I've ever seen. I would've thought you hated that corporate whoremongering. But hey, fuck it. I'm sure you guys used that corporate money to buy a bunch of blow and hookers, so I guess it's not all bad. Keep up the bad work, you evil sons a bitches!
SEE YOU IN HELL
TO THE EDITOR: NAME CALLING SEEMS TO BE YOUR STRONG POINT, YOU GEEK! JESUS LOVES YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU HATE HIM! MY FRIEND REPENT FROM YOUR EVIL BECAUSE JUDGEMENT IS VERY SOON, SOONER THAN YOU THINK. REMEMBER NOAH AND THE FLOOD? I KNOW THIS FALLS ON YOUR REPROBATE AND UNBELIEVING MIND, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, BECAUSE ALL ARE WITHOUT EXCUSE ON THAT GREAT AND TERRIBLE DAY OF JUDGEMENT! SO LOOK OUT BUDDY BOY...
GET IN LINE
TO JUSTIN SANDERS VIA ANONYMOUS VOICEMAIL: "I just read your karaoke article about Chopsticks ["Making Karaoke Count," Nov 10]. And, first of all, it was rather libelous, especially in regards to anything and everything you said about Chopsticks. If I ever, ever, ever see you in Chopsticks again I will fuck you in your brown star, okay?"
WHY WE DRINK
TO THE EDITOR: I can contain my rage no longer. The big advertising dollars have kept you alive too long, while other papers that actually have ideas have withered on the vine. How do your writers and editors sleep at night? Oh yeah, you pass out drunk. That must explain why all of you peaked-in-high-school morons are still writing weekly "features" on different ways you self-absorbed assholes can get drunk. When you brain-dead 20-somethings find yourselves still sharing crappy rental houses with a bunch of younger losers 10 years down the road, then you'll know that even those who wash diapers for a living command more respect than your four-cents-a-word, pathetic, shallow lives.