DEAREST MERCURY—So, imagine my surprise when, sitting on a barstool in New York City last week, I hear the couple next to me going on about Portland. It turns out my bar-neighbors were Ms. Jonatha Brooke and her manager, and they were referring to the following little snippet from your paper [Up & Coming, June 14]: "Meanwhile, headliner Jonatha Brooke makes pleasant folk-pop for the ladies, which is just far too pedestrian for my tastes. The real thrill of her visit to town will come tomorrow evening, when Brooke takes on the tag-team duo of the Indigo Girls in a parking lot rumble for the Lesbian Folk Championship Belt." Written by one Ezra Ace Caraeff, it would appear. If he cares to compare someone's music to weak coffee, wallpaper paste, or wet cardboard, that is certainly his prerogative. But the second comment, alluding perhaps to Ms. Brooke's audience, was nasty, in poor taste, and (most importantly) not funny.
DEAR MERCURY—I'm in Australia at the moment, and kind of detached from Portland news, but I just read your article online about the TriMet driver who kicked the ladies off his bus for kissing, and I wondered, am I the only person that thinks this is fucking ridiculous ["Gays off the Bus," News, June 14]? I've had a crackhead try to eat my hair on the bus and then proceed to vomit on the window (I hadn't shampooed in a few days), and did the driver kick them off? NO! I think it's time TriMet learned about customer service. Someone should start a green bus system and we should all use that instead. FUCK THEM!
MORE THAN HUMPING
TO THE MERCURY: I wrote the I, Anonymous about polyamory ["Too Much of a Good Thing," I, Anonymous, June 14]. Not to keep beating this subject into the ground, but why does everyone think it's just about sex? It's not called polyfucking. Amory = Love, and by this definition I take it to mean more than just humping. That means being there for your partner, having fun and hanging out with your partner. I find it admirable for the couple who wrote in to be strong enough to have an open relationship [Letters, June 28], but I don't consider it polyamory. You may have secondary partners, but you are always there for your primary partner. And I'm saying it's not possible to have two or more equally committed relationships (that is, primary partners) at once without spreading yourself thin, thus having only unfulfilled relationships.
HOT FOR THOUGHT
HEY GUYS—Thanks for the article and lickable color picture of Richard Prentice ["Thought Police," News, June 28]. So he has a li'l cop-related chip on his (former linebacker) shoulders—HE'S FAWKING HOT!!!
AMERICANS WITH MOHAWKS
DEAR MERCURY—I seriously hope this column is a fucking joke [The Mercury Civic Fireworks Abatement Crew Says... Shoot off Fireworks—Get Doused with a Bucket of Water!" New Column, June 28], for the safety of everyone on that crew, and anyone involved in that juvenile project. I promise you, if I happen to get a face full of water or a water balloon destroys fireworks that I paid for, I'll be the motherfucker with the mohawk and the baseball bat beating the shit out of the responsible party. MARK MY FUCKING WORDS, BRING YOUR SHIT TO SE 56TH ON THE FOURTH, AND ALL OF YOU WILL END UP IN THE FUCKING ER, FUCK OFF.
SO, VELVET, how did your Fourth of July go? Were you struck by any water balloons? Coupla buckets of water? Yeah, we didn't think so. But you did win the Mercury letter of the week! You win two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish!, where you really, really can't set off your fireworks, unfortunately.
M.O.D.: THE MERCURY FASHION BLOG
Hey Blog Addicts! The Mercury's Blogtown, PDX officially has its first spin-off blog: M.O.D.: Mercury on Design. Here you'll find daily posts on fashion and shopping news, home decorating, craft projects, fitness, make-up, and more! Check it out NOW at mod.portlandmercury.com!