THE MODERN VEGETARIAN
DEAR MERCURY: In reference to a recent slanderous article [declaring] "Vegetarianism" as being out ["20 Things Not Invited Back to 2006," Dec 29]. Saving animals from miserable lives and painful deaths is not a trend, but a serious issue. Eating and wearing animals has not been a necessity for a long time. It is not the Stone Age anymore.
ADAM GNADE'S VICES
PORTLAND MERCURY: Thank you for including young men with beards, Bluetooth headsets, VICE magazine, Suicide Girls, and Bono in your "20 Things Not Invited Back to 2006" article [Dec 29], I wholeheartedly agree. However, you left some very irritating bits out. First, thanks for giving former Music Editor Zac Pennington the boot. Regrettably, new Music Editor Adam Gnade already seems like his musical taste needs to clear its palate. His "national bands invited to make as much beautiful music as possible" include Joanna Newsom, Kings of Leon, Ted Leo, Xiu Xiu, and Wolf Eyes [It's Who You Know, Dec 29]. Fucking Christ, y'all talk about VICE magazine's advertising making it like a Delia's catalog for hipsters. I challenge you to peruse VICE's advertising and tell me that Adam Gnade's taste is not exactly parallel to VICE's advertisers.
Theodore Preston, Esq.
GOD MIGHT BE ANGRY, MIGHT NOT
Shut the HELL up about "God hates you and now feel his fiery wrath!" shit [Letters, Jan 12, in which Noah Adams threatened to wage a holy "pilgrimage" against the Portland Mercury]. If you're SO offended, put down the paper. Last time I checked, you're NOT God, so how the fuck do you know he's angry? OH WAIT, YOU DON'T.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS
DEAR MERCURY: The article "Pot Farm Diary" [Jan 5, in which Sebastian Alabaster Chandelier uses a pseudonym to relate the experience of working (and peeing) on a pot farm] is offensive from the beginning. "Shebastian" comes off as a lazy, spoiled rotten person complaining about a $20 an hour job. I say "Shebastian" because rarely does a man expose his derriere to piss, and only a city woman could fear getting bit on the butt by a rattlesnake during this moment. In my personal opinion, ban the writer forever from any contact with medical marijuana!
I mean George Seagull Livingston
SEXUAL KARAOKE HEALING
DEAR MERCURY: I owe you an apology. I wrote a really nasty letter regarding your article about the karaoke crisis in Portland... I was mad because you outed my favorite bar, The Boiler Room, as a "secret" karaoke hotspot. But, after last night [The first-ever Mercury Karaoke Challenge, Sun Jan 15], I have regained all the respect that I so hastily flushed down the toilet. Watching Humpy strip to "Sexual Healing" has cured me of the burning hatred that I felt deep within my soul. I love you Mercury, even if you can't beat those Chopsticks fools at karaoke.
Arley Ann Laman
CONGRATS TO ARLEY ANN for recognizing the eye-popping excellence of the Mercury Karaoke Krew, but alas, sometimes even nudity just isn't enough. Which means congratulations also go out to CHOPSTICKS for defeating the Mercury on Sunday by a score of 208 to 185. It was a bloody karaoke battle to the finish, which ultimately led to a desperate (and partially successful) attempt by Mercury Editor Wm.™ Steven Humphrey to woo the judges by stripping down to his "I Love U" panties while singing "Sexual Healing." Arley Ann gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst, and two passes to see Early Man at Dante's on Thurs Feb 23, while Chopsticks can look forward to taking on a new team in the monthly Mercury Karaoke Challenge! Do YOU have a team of four that can match singing ability with the champions of Chopsticks? Email firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to bring it on!