THE SILVERCHAIR DEFENSE
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—Generally, you guys are sarcastic little asses but manage to be funny at the same time. I can generally get with that. After reading your review of the band Silverchair [Up & Coming, July 19], I felt all wrong inside, and really, I blame you. They are an original band that left the "mock grunge" days behind a long fucking time ago.
A Pissed-Off Preschool Teacher
FIVE SIMPLE PATTERNS
DEAR MERCURY—In the review of Zach's Shack ["Harry Potter Loves Hot Dogs," Last Supper, July 19] Harry Potter, Year Seven (AKA Paul DeGeorge) includes the pleasures of playing Ms. Pac-Man. It's based on knowing patterns; if you have memorized the five patterns you can get a high score, simple as your pie hole. Expense a copy of 1982's Mastering Pac-Man (99 cents at Goodwill—several area locations) and get "rad" at Ground Kontrol, but don't waste my time in a food review with your inability to remember five patterns while eating a wiener. Keep your taste in your mouth, poseur nerdlinger.
HARRY POTTER: SPOILED!
[In last week's issue, we printed a "spoiler" of the new Harry Potter book ["Snape Kills Hermione!" New Column, July 19]. Carefully crafted by our Potter-obsessed editorial staff, we figured TRUE Potter fans would easily recognize the hidden clues that would expose this "spoiler" as a fake. As usual, we were wrong. Here are a handful of the responses we received. A small handful.—eds.]
DEAR MERCURY—Do you even know your readership? Nerds and geeks read the Portland Mercury! Part of the joy I experience from reading Harry Potter is from the magical suspense that I encounter with each page that is turned. I'm all for freedom of speech, but there was no freedom involved on your cover this week. I will never again read the Mercury.
DEAR MERCURY—Thanks a lot, you magnificent pieces of CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEAR MERCURY—It's Friday, July 20, the day before the last Harry Potter book is released. Honestly, I've been looking forward to this for months. I sit down at a table at Hot Lips just now, and thumb through the Portland Mercury that has been left open there. Why??!! I'm so angry right now.
DEAR MERCURY—I really hope that whole "Snape Kills Hermione" headline is one of your little jokes. In this crappy world, it's nice to take a break from the shit in the news. I was already on the path to not being able to stand your idiot content—the only thing worthwhile anymore in your rag is the I, Anonymous (sometimes) and One Day at a Time. I realize you could probably care less if yet another person hates your paper—I suppose your indifference makes you feel cooler. P.S. If it IS a joke, never mind.
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Okay, I think it's really really really really really really really really not cool that you guys put your big stupid spoiler on the very front cover of your stupid little newspaper. And then your little thingy that says "Warning: Spoilers ahead!" right by the little page after you put your big spoiler on the cover, is just really not cool, and it's robbing a whole bunch of fans of, like... what's going to happen. And you should be sued in some way, because it is really not cool. Um, so, thank you for, like, spoiling my life. A-holes.
DEAR MERCURY—You motherfuckers! I was so mad when I saw you leaked a page of the new Harry Potter book in your publication last week! I was fucking pissed... then I realized that I am a 22-year-old man who was planning to wait around with 500 children at midnight on a Friday night to get a kid's book. Oh Portland Mercury, what have I become?
CONGRATULATIONS TO RYAN for his cathartic emotional breakthrough. We're always happy to help our readers bridge that difficult gap between childhood and adulthood. For sharing, you get two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where anything spoiled goes out with the trash.