NEWS FLASH! BLACKBIRD NOW MEXICAN RESTAURANT!
TO WHOEVER GIVES A SHIT: As a curator for Pop Tomorrow! shows, I would like to thank you for the write-up ["My, What a Busy Week!" March 2]. It's great to see you covering something other than 31Knots, up-to-the-minute Blackbird reports, and features on your own staff and their friends. Most of the content in the Mercury is a direct rip from posts on the PDX Pop List, but this makes sense since you are all busy people who have bands and art functions to attend. Thanks for all of your undying support, Mercury. I hope to one day to be inside the parameters of your chic clique of profound artists.
Angelo De Ieso II
DEAR MERCURY: I must admit that I occasionally wonder if the Mercury might be warping Portland's youth. Surely by now schoolchildren have figured out that there's a free periodical all over town that's chock full of almost-naked ladies, swear words, and explicit sex advice. But then there are the weirder things, like that photo you ran a few months back of Kevin Blechdom [Music, Nov 10]: A topless woman holding a handful of raw meat. If in 10 years there is a generation of young adult Portlanders that share a mysterious sexual attraction to uncooked liver, I'll know why.
MURDEROUS MUSIC CRITIC?
DEAR MERCURY: Why would you run a commentary where a guy admits that psychedelic music makes him want to kill people? ["Slack-Jawed, Stupid, and Boring: Why Psychedelic Music Makes Me Think of Guns," March 9] What's next, "Why Morrissey Makes Me Want to Bash Gays with My Skateboard"?
THE ONLY BUTTHOLE WE EVER NEGLECTED
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: Unless I missed something, you failed to mention the MOTHERFUCKING BUTTHOLE SURFERS in your Psychedelic Music Issue [March 9]! This is a travesty, considering Gibby and the boys have made some of the most twisted, tripped-out tunes this side of the Atlantic (and Pacific). Their live show (replete with films of penis reconstruction surgery—backwards!) is known to have caused audience members to run out into the parking lot and curl up in the fetal position, crying in a pool of their own vomit and urine. Take five hits of acid and put on Locust Abortion Technician or Rembrandt Pussyhorse and see if maybe you REALLY FUCKED UP in excluding them.
Shawshank Erection, BHS street team
THE HAIRY FUR WAR
DEAR MERCURY: I am glad to see the Mercury has the balls to publish a story containing the outrageous behavior of the Portland Police with regard to the anti-fur demonstration held at Schumacher Furs on Saturday March 4 [News, March 9]. My 16-year-old daughter has joined the protest for the last two Saturdays and was rewarded with mace in her face. I had stopped by to check on her and had joined the protest only to be a witness to the most flagrant example of police antagonism and overuse of force I have ever witnessed.
JESUS TALKS TO US, TOO!
DEAR MERCURY: Okay, check it out. I have read a lot of letters to the editor in your paper saying that I am really going to be mad at you because you take a jab at me and the manner of my death every now and again. Well, I would like to tell you and all those people who blindly follow me that I can take a joke. I don't mind a jab at me (unless it's a spear in the side) every now and again. Well, keep up the good times and remember that the right-wing nuts don't represent me the way I would like.
CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR NEW PAL "J.C." for setting the record straight on whether or not we're going to hell (see, all you zealous muckety-muck letter writers, everything's cool) and for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week"! We kind of assume Jesus doesn't need anything from us per se, but we're hooking him up with tickets to see Andre Williams on Thurs April 27 at Dante's and $30 to No Fish! Go Fish! anyway.