IT'S NOT A RACE THING
DEAR MERCURY: To the black dude/chick who said they can't find a job in Southeast because the white slacker hipsters won't hire them [I, Anonymous, "Blacklisted," April 13]: It's not because you're black. It's just because they only hire their douchebag friends. Because I can't find a job either, and I'm pretty darn white.
IT'S A RACE THING
DEAR MERCURY: Regarding the I, Anonymous entitled "Blacklisted" [April 13]: I could just as easily have written those SAME WORDS! I've had a HELLA hard time trying to find work here! I thought Portland—big, LIBERAL Portland—was supposed to be better than this shit?
IS IT A RACE THING?
FOXWORTH, YOU NASTY NIGGA: Just when I think us brothers have worked our way up the ladder, along comes Foxworth and his soul bull. Thanks for reestablishing the stereotypes that make white folks nervous of us. You need to take your soul pole and step down as chief. Thanks for making white women scared to date us. Don't worry, P. Diddy and 50 Cent can always use a bodyguard, and think of all the white women they get that don't mind hungry-ass niggas like you.
BETTER LEARN TO SWIM
DEAR MERCURY: How dare you put out a paper with a tattooed bunny in leather chaps smoking a cigarette squatting and pooping out Jesus eggs with horrible, filthy chartreuses of our Lord and Savior running amok [Cover, April 13]? Do you not realize we are on the Cascadia Subduction Zone fault line, and the city is just one earthquake away from tumbling into the Willamette? Quit trying to make God mad!
SHUT UP ABOUT THE B&B!
DEAR AUTHOR OF "BANISH THE KINGDOM" [Letters, April 13, in which an anonymous reader complains about the amount of coverage given to local band the Kingdom, attributing it to "cronyism."]: When I awoke this morning to Adam Gnade hand delivering me my Mercury in bed (at the secret Mercury VIP bed and breakfast), I was shocked to see your letter. I don't see how it got through the walls of fire that the Kingdom has erected around the Mercury office. You must be pretty well connected.
(singer for the Kingdom)
LET THEM PAY LIABILITY!
TO THE MERCURY NEWS TEAM: Your recent story about the cyclist who was hit by a car while attempting to cross an intersection is unfortunate [News, "Citizen's Arrest," April 13]. However, I have witnessed many more instances of a bicycle rider who went flying through a red light than I have an automobile driver. As far as I'm concerned, it's time to license them, make them register their bicycle, and require them to display a state issued license plate. While we're at it, let's go ahead and require them to carry liability insurance like everyone else.
COMPLAINING ABOUT COMPLAINERS' COMPLAINTS
DEAR MERCURY: I am writing to complain about how all the letters you print seem to be from complainers [Letters, April 13]. I want to complain about the conspiracy-theory nutcase who complained about Ann Romano's depiction of Charlie Sheen as a conspiracy-theory nutcase. I want to complain about "Don" who complained about being offended by his own tortured analogy between the "Beating up guys makes me hungry" T-shirt [Cover, April 6] and a man conjured from his own imagination who offends members of NOW with a T-shirt correlating rape to thirst. I want to complain about every retard who complains about how insensitive you are to retards every time you use the word "retard." Mostly though, I want to complain about how the complainers I'm complaining about are such literal-minded dunderheads that they're incapable of fathoming how you've turned me into an unintentional ironist.
Steve the U.I.
CONGRATULATIONS TO STEVE for pandering to our ego by writing in to complain about all the people who complain to us. For the record, we totally did not give Steve his U.I., though. That was some other playa! What we are giving Steve is two tickets to see The Walkmen on June 8 at Berbati's, and $30 to chow down at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the irony is always intentional.