HE GETS THESE "ALL THE TIME"
TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY VIA VOICEMAIL: "Just want to let you know, I love you. I read your article[s] every week [I Love Television, April 27, in which Humpy mentions a sexy caller who wants to give him a "Mexican Flea Dip"]. I'm one of those flea dip people, so maybe we should hook up. Call me!"
WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES
DEAR MERCURY: Could your covers be more shocking [Cover, April 27]? The so-called "Fully Clothed Sex" issue depicted a young woman lowering her face into a man's khakis, performing what can only cordially be described as an "act of pleasure." At my workplace, a double-digit IQ coworker ran around in circles waving the Mercury, flipping through the pages looking for more "sex." Is this what it takes to get illiterates to "read" your paper?
DEAR MERCURY EDITOR: I understand your paper is all about sexploitation. However, this time you have gone too far [Cover, April 27]. Do women have to be portrayed kneeling in underwear, beneath the suppressive legs of a man, her head in his crotch? Did you know this paper's sexploitive power play of man over woman is blatantly placating standard gender roles? When do we ever get to see a man sexually demeaned in your misogynistic paper?
DEAR MERCURY: I was drawn to the review of United 93 ["The Worst Day of My Life," Film, April 27]. While I knew I would not go and see the movie—ever—before I read the review, I'm even more certain of my decision. I'm disturbed that it was even made and I wonder how far people will allow themselves to be taken in by 9/11 lust.
NIGHTWISH'S AUTHENTIC TOUCH
DEAR MERCURY: You need to do more research before criticizing a band about their lyrics. I'm referring to your reference to the song "Kinslayer," by Nightwish [Once More with Feeling, April 27]: "Time to die, poor mates/you made me what I am." That's actually a line in a letter that one of the Columbine shooters wrote. Nightwish merely exercised artistic license by incorporating portions of the letter into the song—rather effectively, I might add.
SOME LIKE IT NURSEY
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hey, my name's Ed. So this guy writes in saying you're making sex objects out of nurses [Letters, April 27]? I've been a nurse a whole bunch of years. There are a lot of hot ones, and they've given it up to me. Who am I to say I've made a sex object out of them, 'cause they've made me a sex object too, and we had a good time doing it. So that guy's an asshole, he's a pussy, and I don't know what his problem is, but there's nothing wrong with making sex objects out of nurses. Not at all."
BLACK NERDS MUST ONLY BE COMPARED TO WHITE NERDS, AND VICE VERSA
DEAR MERCURY: I was sickened by the opening line of the Mercury's Wordstock section ["Take A Look, It's in a Book," April 20]: "Screw LeVar Burton. We don't need that proto-Urkel anymore." LeVar Burton is part of what Wordstock is all about, and to insult him in an article about the very thing he has spent more than 20 years working for is infantile and ridiculous. Don't even get me started on the racism implicit in the Urkel comparison.
REGULATE MY ASS
BELOVED MERCURY LETTERS DEPT.: In regards to the ass that says bikes should pay liability insurance [Letters, April 20, in which Carson Horton also suggests cyclists be licensed and registered]: I see dumbfuck drivers speeding up to make yellows every day. I've seen cyclists mangled by said shitheads. I myself have been hit three times, all with injury, by some asshole that doesn't respect the damage they can do. When a bicycle can hit a car and break the driver in half, it'll be time to regulate us.
CONGRATULATIONS TO CLINTON for winning the Mercury Letter of the Week! On the off chance he can make it more than three days without being hit by a car, he'll be receiving tickets to see the Liars on Thursday, June 8 at Dante's, plus $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!, where the only thing a fish needs less than a bicycle is a man... or something like that.