THE WORST TYPE OF VOMIT
DEAREST MERCURY: I would like to thank you for your New Column! "Hey Mr. McFatasserson! I Stole Your Stupid Lawn Chair!" [June 15]. I applaud Wm. Steven Humphrey for his stance against the fat, annoying Greshamites who come into our town for the Rose Festival and claim public property as their own with their stoopid lawn chairs, taped off areas, and other crappy litter. I think the Mercury should spearhead a movement next year for all of us who hate the Rose Festival and their "family friendly" fun. Oh, just think of the fun we will all have! Also I would like to point out that for some reason during AND after the Rose Festival, the downtown bus mall smells like vomit. Horrible, sickening, FAIR vomit.
THE FUTURE OF METAL
DEAR MERCURY: This is in response to I, Anonymous [June 15] regarding a fellow metal comrade and kids at shows: I say, BRING the little brats to metal concerts! Father Lord SATAN, our MASTER requires young souls for His Infernal Majesty's army ELITE! Like the terrorist/training camps of Afghanistan, today's children need to be made BATTLE-HARDENED so that they can fight the war against Christiandom and foul goodness tomorrow. And what could be a better training camp for such than a TRUE METAL concert?! The mighty SLAYER (!!!!!!!!!!!!) will invade Salem on July 15. I am calling upon all metal parents to bring their little ones so that they can be properly indoctrinated! As a parent, this is your sworn duty! Lord Satan commands it of you! HAIL SATAN!!!
RESPECTING YOUR QUEER ELDERS
TO THE EDITOR: Evan James is a fucking idiot [Queer Issue, "Who the Hell Cares Where We Are?," June 15]! Gay-rights activism is silly? Yeah, what's silly is ungrateful twentysomethings who don't realize that those of us who went before them had to put up with all kinds of bigotry and bullshit, and yes, had to fight, so that they can party, have sex, and watch Queer as Folk without getting the crap beaten out of them. I hate to spoil your perfect pretty boy Portland existence, Evan, but there's a world outside your window where people still experience bigotry every day. You are hardly a snob, Mr. James. Snobs do at least have taste, class, and intellect going for them. What you are is a moronic fucktard and a slap in the face to the many gay people before you who have been injured or killed fighting for the right to be who they want, love who they want, and even marry who they want, should they choose to do so.
A NARROW ESCAPE
DEAR MERCURY: Thank you for publishing all those articles warning us about the scary right-wing petitioners [News: "Signing Away the State," June 1; "Up to Old Tricks," June 8; "Reigning in Petitioners," June 15]. I went to the farmer's market on Saturday and was accosted by one. He looked just like a normal guy at first, but when he started talking I noticed the fangs. He said, "I have one for term limits," and I said, "Oh. No." Then his eyes narrowed, and began to glow red! I slowly started backing away as he growled, "How about this one that caps state spending?" Paralyzed by fear, I could barely stammer an audible "no." Suddenly he raised his arms up to the sky, grew to 60-feet tall, and all the buildings caught on FIRE! With the voice of a thousand tortured souls, he thundered, "I HAVE ONE MORE!" I turned and ran. I ran and ran.
CONGRATULATIONS TO EVA for successfully escaping the clutches of that very frightening signature gatherer! What you really win is a renewed zest for life and the integrity of your unmolested soul, but we'll throw in two tickets to see She Wants Revenge on Wednesday June 28 at the Roseland, and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater on top of that.
HIT UP BLOG TOWN, PDX!
If you didn't check out the Mercury's Blog Town last week, here's what you missed: The most in-depth and up-to-the-minute depiction of Chief Foxworth's demotion, an examination of Britney Spears' fun bags, Dan Savage on the American Sexual Taliban, plus our updated list of weekend events, music, nudie photos, and MORE. There's even more this week, and it's all at portlandmercury.com/blogtown. The Portland Mercury: Forget weekly. We publish every stinking day.