SMUT & CRAP & CYNICISM
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—"Yeah, I'm calling in regards to the Portland Mercury. You know, aside from the smut and the cynicism, I can't tell your articles on world news from Fox News. All the presidential bashing of the Iranian president [One Day at a Time, Oct 4] and the other crap that you post makes me realize that you're no better than a syndicate corporate media outlet, and I just want to say that next time I go by one of your paper boxes, I'll probably just throw all the papers in the trash. Or maybe I'll take a shit in one of 'em, or piss in one of 'em, and let you know what I really think of your crap. So, do you want to post some real articles that actually enlighten the people? Or do you just want to keep bringing people down and lowering the vibration with nothing but smut and crap and cynicism?"
NOT IN HIS TOWN
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—"Wm. Steven Humphrey, my name is Leland Waltuck, I've got a business in Portland, and I've been in Portland all my life. I read an article in today's Mercury that bothers me: On pg. 8, "A Burning Issue" [News, Oct 4] by Matt Davis about a woman who gets arrested by two cops. If your reporter is accurate in what he says, it burns my ass, and I want to go down and see Rosie Sizer, and I want to see what the fuck is going on, because I'm tired of seeing this kind of shit in my town. Who the fuck do these people think they are to try to fuck around in my town? This is my town. I've been in this town since I was born and raised, I'm a substantial businessman, and I pay a lot of taxes. Please call me, because I am tired of reading this kind of crap and I don't know whether it's true or not true, but I sure would like to know because I am really getting tired of seeing this kind of bullshit. And if nobody else is doing anything about it, I'll go down and I'll break heads. And I guarantee you we'll get action, because I don't know whether you guys are just reporting, or if you're actually contacting some of the people in power and suggesting that they do something about it, or maybe they just laugh you off—I don't know. They don't laugh me off. Not me, I'll tell you that."
DEAR MERCURY—Do you think it's okay to propagate racist stereotypes just because your target is white ["!Achtung! Introducing der New Villamette Veek Logo!" New Column, Oct 4]? Now, I appreciate a good dig on the decrepit (as in flesh actually dropping from their bones in ashen clumps) and inane WW as much as the next guy/gal/androgene, and their new logo is entirely foolish, but can we get past the whole phony German accent/conflation-with-Nazis thing already? Besides being way overdone, it's not even accurate anymore. The German people have come a long way from their previous humiliation, and actually have many enviable progressive policies. Guess who the fascists are now, assholes? If you wanted to make your stupid point in a less stupid way (though still exceedingly stupid), why don't you give the guy an American accent? And anyway, their logo looks more like Russian agitprop than a swastika, so if you are going to perpetuate a stereotype, AT LEAST PICK THE RIGHT FUCKING ONE. Morons.
BEST IN THE WEST
DEAR MERCURY—I am sorry, but that shit about The Heartbreak Kid is the best movie review I've read since David Denby thought Talladega Nights was patriotic ["Hooray for Abortion," Film, Oct 4]. Except Lindy West's review was actually accurate and made sense according to human logic. "Call me César Chávez"? "As everyone knows, wives are fucking awful"? Good lord. It is rare that the Mercury makes me LOL, but in this case I have to hand it to you. I love to read a withering screed of Truth. Give that woman (man?) a raise, STAT.
Mrs. B. Jangles, ex-Portlander unfortunately transplanted to the hellhole that is Los Angeles
RIGHT ON RUIZ
HEY ALL—Wow! Gee! Gush! Now that I have all the love stuff out: I am impressed with clear, succinct, and unbiased reporting by Amy J. Ruiz on the renaming of Interstate Avenue. Thanks.
Julie, Overlook Neighbor
CONGRATULATIONS TO JULIE for keeping her letter literally short and sweet! For getting to the (flattering) point, Julie wins the Mercury letter of the week! She gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where filling your hungry belly with food is the point.