LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH
[Last Week's I, Anonymous column ["Tit for Tats," Feb 7] set off a firestorm of letters disagreeing with the author's contention that just because she has tattoos all over her chest, it doesn't give people (especially men) the right to stare. Below is a sampling of the responses.]
TO THE LADY WITH TATTOOED BOOBS: AS IF! If I wrote "look at my forehead" on my forehead, I wouldn't have much cause to get pissed at people who looked at my forehead.
A girl with non-tattooed boobs who is rarely bothered by people staring at her boobs, because it doesn't happen that much.
IN RESPONSE TO I, ANONYMOUS: I'll stop looking at your tits when you stop covering them with art. You don't want me to talk about your tattoos? That's fine as long as you understand that that's what makes you appear interesting.
DEAR MERCURY: To the busty gal with the many "rather attractive" tattoos: Do you actually believe that being tattooed differentiates you from "normal" society? If so, consider that Nick Lachey, Brittany Spears, and Paris Hilton number among your colorful ranks, not to mention that multitudes of people all over the world are adorned with ink nowadays.
Smiley von Teeth
[THE MERCURY RESPONDS: It's "Britney," not "Brittany."]
DEAR MERCURY: This is in response to and in commiseration with the woman who wrote the "Tit for Tats" I, Anonymous. You pretty much covered everything, but I have a few more self-important douchebags to add to the list: Here's to the pimply nerds at the video store, the toothless meth heads on Burnside, the drunken good ol' boys near my job, junior accounts execs with receding hairlines that use the word "hardcore," the barista, the clerk, the banker, the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker: FUCK YOU!! If you don't know my fucking name, you don't get to ask me about my fucking tattoos.
"BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO IS TELL YOU HOW TO RUN YOUR PAPER!"
DEAR MERCURY: Should we subject the Mercury viewership to the idea that Barack Obama might just be another homogenized politician with a bare husk of humanity left remaining? His religious position, about the power of Christ in the presidency, makes him look more right wing than Bill Clinton. But instead of letting me call him a bourgeoisie liberal in the letters section, you published a bunch of crap. A blog post from someone who was recommended to the Mercury by the Oregonian, three or four more news entries strictly about Brittany, more letters about people hating or supporting your celebrity addiction, a "super-duper awesome sex guide!" and then, most of the same exact personal ads from the last mag. Way to be classy. All I wanted to do was call Obama a bourgeoisie douchebag, not different than any other dog the ruling class puts their choke chain on.
[FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! IT'S "BRITNEY," NOT "BRITTANY!" WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???]
LINES FOR A LOON
DEAR SIR OR MADAM: In order to show my support for a strong Britney presence in your publication, I submit this little poem, written while Ms. Spears was a guest of the UCLA Medical Center:
The former Mrs. Federline
Has lost her tiny little mind
And to the hospital's confined.
I read about it all online.
Perhaps she just needs to unwind.
Let's pray her psyche realigns.
One really oughtn't be unkind.
Celebrity is such a grind.
CONGRATULATIONS TO LAROLD, for whom we are temporarily lifting our moratorium on poetry, in honor of him knowing how to correctly spell "Britney." Larold gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, and lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish!, where even non-celebs can get their psyches realigned.