IN THE GHETTO
DEAR MERCURY—I have to correct Emily, who wrote a letter about "The Guy" ["Just the Guy," Letters, March 6] on the cover of your Felony Flats article ["Good-Bye, Felony Flats!" Feature, Feb 28]. His name is not "The Guy" but actually "The Caveman." I also have a contention with the article in general—I live in the 53rd and Foster area, so I don't know if it counts, but I had a murder next door this last summer and I certainly don't feel like there has been any change around here. The ghetto-ness is alive and well when our streets look like a dump, shitty-ass limos park outside my house and blast the shittiest of shit music late into the night, and people stagger their way to and from the Devil's Point and leave pornos in my goddamn bushes.
NAKED LADIES SELL PAPERS
DEAR MERCURY—I like your paper. However, when I glanced at this week's lame-ass cover and saw two naked brunettes gazing knowingly at the world with some hot-pink doilies covering up their bits and pieces, I was especially impressed. Although it is entirely possible that I am the only one who noticed, three flippin' weeks ago your cover was almost exactly the same, except that only one of the women was facing the front, and someone's back was getting bloodied! I guess you finally figured out how to entice more people to pick up your paper. I bet that if you continue putting naked women on the cover every four weeks for the rest of 2008, your male readership will skyrocket, leading to an increase in male participation in next year's boring sex survey.
DEAR MERCURY—This letter is for "Dr." Humphrey in regards to his sex survey exposé ["Sex Survey Results 2008," Feature, March 6]. Humphrey writes: "When it comes to women achieving orgasm solely from penetration, only about 19% of gals are able to do it. Meanwhile 28% come close (get it?), and 15% never do. SO RELAX, FELLAS! Do your business, hop off, and run to Dairy Queen to pick her up an Oreo Blizzard. She'll take care of the rest." Now, I know, that last part is kind of a joke. Girls like ice cream more than actually enjoying sex. Ha ha! But seriously. Women failing to get off from penetration is not news. What I want to know is, when you hear the news, "Women don't get off from penetration," why is your reaction, "Cool, I'll just use her body to jack off in, and then roll over. Mission accomplished," rather than, "Gee, if anatomically, women get off from clitoral stimulation, since she is nice enough to get me off, I'll do the decent thing and return the favor with my hands or mouth." I mean, is this ROCKET SCIENCE, people? Guys get off from penetration. Girls get off from clitoral stimulation. Act accordingly. Right? Well, according to Humphrey, WRONG. Apparently, ladies, you should let boys dive into your nether regions whenever, but when it comes to having your own orgasm, well, that's up to you too. Are you kidding me? It seems to me that, if this epidemic continues, more and more ladies are going to go the voluntary lesbian route. This crap about boys getting off and girls getting themselves off has GOT to stop. Now let's all evolve, and then we can come together.
WOAH THERE, sounds like someone needs an Oreo Blizzard, STAT! We don't have one handy at the moment, but by winning the Mercury letter of the week, we'll stimulate you with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where orgasms are a priority.
FAREWELL, THE PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP!
HEY READERS: It is with heavy heart we relate the following sad news: One of our favoritest comic strips, The Perry Bible Fellowship is retiring. Though devastated, we wish Perry's hilarious author Nicholas Gurewitch luck in his new pursuits, and... you guessed it... we're currently trying out new comics to fill this empty space. For the next few weeks we'll be auditioning a new comic every week [see page 63], so if you see one you like be sure to write in and let us know—or make a suggestion! (P.S. We're not bringing back Blecky Yuckerella, or getting rid of Dinosaur Comics... but everything else is up for discussion.)
THIS WEEK'S COVER
CONGRATULATIONS TO Dave Dilley for scoring the Jack Pollock Caricature of his dog Gravity, which graces our cover this week as part of the Mercury's annual charity auction. Good boy, Gravity. Good boy!