WHAT THE KOOKS SAY
DEAR MERCURY—When Ann Romano writes about my church, the Church of Scientology, she sounds just like the Anonymous guys [One Day at a Time, ongoing]. They picket outside my church, yelling insults at us when we walk in, wearing masks making them look like terrorists. They say my church will attack them!!! My church is made up of real people. Ann and her friends, Anonymous, obviously have religious beliefs different from mine, that's their choice and I have no right to attack those beliefs. But Anonymous thinks I am brainwashed and have no right to decide what I want to believe in. Ann's articles sound just as kooky and insane as Anonymous does when attacking my religion. One of the Anonymous guys, he wears a top hat and mask, he acts like he has been up at OHSU having experiments done on his brain, or maybe electric shock treatment, so now his brain resembles tater tots. Ann, stop putting down and attacking my religion, get your facts straight, stop going along with what the kooks say.
EMPEROR KLAKTU OF RIGEL VII RESPONDS: Earthling Barbara Hogan, thank you for kind words! I too feel that Ann Romano's closed-minded bigotry is nothing less than an intergalactic travesty! But never fear—soon, the Regulan bloodworms I holo-ported into Ann Romano's humanoid frontal lobes shall viciously cleanse her of her misperceptions about our brainwa—er, what was that charming human word you used, Barbara Hogan? Ah, yes! Religion! Our religion! In closing, when Tom Cruise and I have conquered your pathetic planet and stripped it of its resources, I look forward to feasting on your tater tot brai—er, posting more pictures of your pitiable planet's adorable "kittens" on my harmless blog, which can be enjoyed at emperorklaktu.blogspot.com! Indeed, I command you to go there now—and may the mighty spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard grant you mercy should you fail to post a comment!
EVERYONE IN SEATTLE KNOWS EACH OTHER
DEAR MERCURY—Why is the Portland Mercury allowing a writer from Seattle to write up a Seattle group [Truckasauras] who was the support for a show here in Portland [Up & Coming, Music, May 22]? And who didn't notice that the disrespectful write up reads like a MySpace bulletin? From what I've noticed, the Mercury is attempting to reach out to the electronic music community, but what I don't understand is why Mr. Mizell was allowed to write a piece that was clearly to help his buddies get bigger in Portland.
MY GRANDMA SUCKS
DEAR MERCURY—Your paper's refusal to accept electronic music and report the talent behind it is pathetic [Up & Coming, Music, May 22]. Apparat was the headlining act on Thursday's show at Holocene, not hillbilly-infused elctro rockers Truckasauras. I know that it may be kitsch to review a bunch of guys in overalls and John Deere hats rockin' the Airwolf theme song, but so is watching my grandma throw it down on a Roland 808. You know why no one is reviewing my grandma? Because she sucks—especially compared to Apparat.
DEAR SIRS AND MADAMS—You have done irreparable harm to the community of Peeping Toms by publishing this week's I, Anonymous ["Made You Look," May 22]. The key element of any Peeping Tom mission is an unaware populace of nubile young lovelies, something now compromised by journalistic irresponsibility. You may not have any problems seeing naked women with your seersucker suits and waxed handlebar mustaches, but the good lord has plagued me with roadblock after roadblock on my quest for naked little vixens. Can I help that whenever I'm two feet away from a pretty girl I urinate my pants violently? No I can't, that's why I have to get my jollies in unconventional manners. If your newspaper has any credibility, it will out the source of the I, Anonymous and give the community this person's address. Maybe if we all knew if a ladder was necessary to see in his or her's neighbors' window, maybe then America will be a truly free country.
OH GOSH, we've offended a lot of people this week! Let's see, Scientologists, fans of Apparat... but Peeping Toms? Now we've really done it. We won't take it back, but we will give James two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater (try and behave yourself in there) and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the shades are always open.