WHAT TV CAN'T GIVE YOU
DEAR MERCURY—I realize [Ann] Romano is an airhead covering an airhead topic, but could she spare us the paeans to Tim Russert [One Day at a Time, June 19]? That guy made stuffed shirts look dynamic. Please remind her the Merc is supposed to be "alternative." We can get enough gossip and sycophancy on corporate TV.
DEAR MERCURY—In response to Aimee T. Akwai's slightly disgruntled letter to the editor ["Totally Not Jealous," Letters, June 19]: Why would the Mercury want anything other than complete submission and devotion from all those contributing to it??? Patrick [Coleman] covers things pretty well, I think... you get the gist of what he ate/drank and whether or not you should go and try it... is there something else that should be there? Nah, he's fine by me. To the Mercury editor: I absolutely love the fact that over 50 percent of your letters to the editor in the last edition were not all praise and glory. Nice to know you don't go about tooting your own horn :)
Sarah E. Lynch
DEFENDING PATRICK COLEMAN
DEAR MERCURY—I am writing in response to Aimee T. Akwai's scathing comments about Food Editor Patrick Coleman's work in the Mercury ["Totally Not Jealous," Letters, June 19]. Mr. Coleman's column is always the first thing I turn to in your paper each week. His blend of wit and genuine food knowledge and enthusiasm is right on target for a city that is obsessed with good food and drink. Keep up the good work!
THE CREDIBLE HULK
DEAR MERCURY—Need more Hulk ["One Hulk's Opinion," New Column, June 12 & 19]! Hulk am very funny. I laugh so hard I cry. After each sentence must stop to laugh and cry. Almost pee pants. I make sister read Hulk. She cry too. Hulk most funny in Mercury ever! More HULK PLEASE.
WHEN DRUNKS LEARN TO TYPE
DEAR MERCURY—Man, I really want to cheer the fuck up like you suggested in your end transmission, but ass bag by the name of Matty Matt Drury really is the mutha-fuckin' whiner of year ["Not Psyched by Bikes," Letters, June 19]. "Waa-waa, I really wanna use a bike but work, school, blah, blah, blah!!!" Fucking shit, face eater, that's your choice to idle in your vehicle, grunting at cyclists passing you by. Oh, and not all cyclists are ass bags, but I know who iiiiiss!
ERIK'S THESAURUS IS HUGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
HI—Can we please, please, please declare a moratorium on the use of the word "retarded" as an adjective? That's the best you can do? As the new parent of a child with Down syndrome, I'm now seeing this word everywhere—where before I saw it and didn't think twice about it, now it hits me like a punch every damn time. And just because it's used ubiquitously doesn't make it right. Plus it's just lazy. If calling something "retarded" is the best you can do, maybe it's time to get a thesaurus. More than likely it's popped up before in the Merc, but the example I saw today is in Erik [Henriksen]'s review of The Love Guru, where he mentions, "giggling like a retarded kindergartener" ["Mike Myers Isn't Funny Anymore," Film, June 19]. Would you use the term "whimpering like a faggoty teenager" in a review?
TO THE EDITOR: Why are hipsters such assholes? Are they just deeply insecure? Is it a case of permanent teen-hood? Please help. God won't return my calls.
Crushed Little Bird
YOU POOR CRUSHED LITTLE BIRD, it is true that hipsters can be cruel, and living in Portland—where, next to the brown recluse spider, hipsters constitute the most dangerous native predator—one must learn to protect oneself accordingly. Here's one trick to keep in mind: Hipsters are more afraid of you than you are of them. (As are spiders.) Try asking one to join you in sharing the fruits of your letter-writing triumph: two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where hipsters only bite the food.