My church family have never shunned or criticized me for my weight problem. But as I waddle through the world of sin, I bump into much hatred and prejudice toward Fat Christians. With Jesus' help, I have turned away from greed, anger, and sins of all sort. Yet, whenever I ask Jesus to help me conquer my appetite, His reply is always, "Dig in! Have that second piece of coffeecake at prayer breakfast! Swing by that 7-11 on the way home and eat a donut in My name."
Sometimes I think Jesus must have a mission for me, a job that only a big fat Christian can do. But in my heart I know I'd rather just lose some weight.
Reverend, what is Jesus fattening me up for?
Big Fat Christian, Beaverton
Dear Big Fat: Drop that coffeecake! You've got Lucifer tugging on your love-handles!
Nobody likes a fat person, especially not Jesus. Of course He loves you, but if you'd shed a few dozen pounds of the jiggling sin of GLUTTONY from your midriff, He'd love you a lot more. I'm sure the same goes for your family and friends, though they may hide their disgust.
But take heart: You're not the only big fat Christian in the world. I can't tell you how many letters I've received from heavyset believers here in Oregon, wanting to know the Christian path to fitness. So I, with Jesus' assistance, have developed what He and I believe to be the most profound, spiritually uplifting, and effective exercise program that hard-earned Christian dollars can buy. My informational videotape, SWEATIN' TOWARDS THE APOCALYPSE, has the answers.
In this video, I first lead you through a personalized Power Prayer session, in which you commit your cellulite to God's Exercise Plan. Then, certified Christian aerobic therapist Dr. J. Natasha Eckwing and I, clothed modestly, lead you through a soul-stirring 45-minute prayer workout, accompanied by wholesome Christian exercise music. This divinely inspired exercise plan miraculously focuses God's love on your problem areas, excommunicating unsightly fat from arms, legs, hips, thighs, and Posterior Sin Area. After the workout, you'll view inspiring testimonials from vibrant, healthy Christians who once were nearly as fat as you.
The apocalypse is coming! Don't make Jesus hoist all that fat up into the sky. Order this tape, today!