Dear Reverend Leon: I am blessed with a particularly large reproductive organ. Earlier this year, I learned that by posing for nude photographs, with my organ prominently displayed, I can raise a lot of money for local charities. The photographs are taken by my good friend Mr. Jamison, who sells them to Christian medical students interested in anatomy. With Jesus' help, we have together raised over two thousand dollars for Big Christian Brothers and Little Christian Sisters of Oregon.
Mr. Jamison is a good Christian who has always treated me tenderly. Out of concern for my health, he started me on a therapy of vitamin shots, which always make me quite giddy with vitality. However, several weeks ago Mr. Jamison left town very suddenly and mysteriously. I pray for his safe and speedy return. He still owes me several hundred dollars, and without my vitamin injections, I have begun to feel very sick.
Today, I was visited by an associate of Mr. Jamison's, Mr. Stefanopolous, who gave me a shot and took some anatomical measurements. He says my organ has provoked a great deal of interest among local Christian medical students, and has invited me to dance at one of their upcoming private functions.
Until now, I have been thankful that Jesus gave me this unique avenue to help others. But I am beginning to wonder if His idea is a good one. I don't trust Mr. Stefanopolous, he smells funny; and I fear that Mr. Jamison may never come back.
Reverend, can you suggest the name of a legitimate organization that provides anatomical photographs to Christian medical students that would be willing to hire me and provide my injections? If any of your readers are photographers, they can find me at the downtown YMCA. Ask for Jimmy.
ORGAN DONOR (photo enclosed.)
Dear O.D., No vitamin injection can cure what ails you, Jimmy. You need a HOT JESUS INJECTION--"STAT!" Your good intentions, combined with the sin of anatomical pride, have paved for you a slippery slope down to HELL'S DISCO! There, snorting beasts shall inflict lisping homosexual torture upon you and your genitals for all eternity!
If you value your immortal soul, Jimmy, then by no means should you cavort your Sin Appendage before medical students, or anyone else, ever again. Your reproductive girth is not a blessing, it is a WARNING from GOD. When you look down, you should remember that sin is a LARGE problem, and you must pray LONG AND HARD for heavenly guidance--guidance you've obviously been lacking. Get thee to a House of God, Jimmy! Not some seedy YMCA, but a proper non-Catholic Church. Withdraw your organ from Satan's fiery clutch, and place it instead in the gentle hands of Jesus.
TURN BACK NOW, and REPENT!