For lo, God watches over America 24-7 like a divine Doberman of love, swatting our enemies' missiles from the sky, fouling the fuses of their evil bombs, and leaking their phone numbers to Tom Ridge. He protects His servant, our President, for there is no service more secret than His.
Surely California's degenerate jurists recall how, on September 11th, Our Heavenly Father gave New Yorkers a dose of their own medicine of Godlessness. Yes, because they were such sinners, the Lord forsook them--only for a moment, of course, because He loves them so--but what a sad, painful, and educational moment that was! Surely we should have learned out lesson. But now from California comes yet another insult to God's good name.
Yes, as merciful as the Lord can be, yet more can he get nasty when people don't listen. Jesus Christ has personally informed me that His Father is even now summoning a great earthquake to wipe clean the sin-soaked West Coast of our great nation. Gruesome will be the squishing, the blowing up, the knocking over, the horrible dying, and the ragged wounding. Many, many sinners shall be gulped up in a great bath of fire, pure molten retribution pumped up from Satan's bilge. Many more shall perish beneath the great tidal waves to follow, or be stung to death thereafter by His Killer Bees. Just as he cleansed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, so much more spotlessly shall he degrease the cities of San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, and yea, even Portland.
Now, those other cities can get what's coming to them as far as I'm concerned. But though it is base and wretched, overflowing with a wide spectrum of sin, I love and pray for my homeland, Greater Portland. Though we are sinners and deserve only hellfire, we are also excellent gardeners and polite drivers.
Portland, save yourself! Repent now! Show the Lord you're sorry and you mean business! Hurl your wicked bodies to the ground, and pledge this PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE LORD:
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC WHICH HE SMILES UPON,
ONE BIG MESS, UNWORTHY, DRENCHED IN PERDITION.
WE BEG HIS MERCY AND PROMISE TO TRY HARDER!
PLEASE LORD, DON'T SMITE US!
WE LOVE THEE!
WE'LL CHANGE, WE PROMISE!
STRIKE US NOT DOWN WITH THY DIVINE STAFF,
RATHER, CUDDLE US TO THY BOSOM
AND GIVE US JUST ONE MORE CHANCE!