Dear Reverend Hanson: It's hard to be a good f------ Christian when you've got f------ Tourette's Syndrome. S---! Foul f------ language streams out of my g------ lips all day and f------ night--even in the middle of the g---- Sunday Mass. F--! I try to love my fellow a----, but I can't stop calling them a------. People think I'm a mean, hateful m---------er, but I'm not. I'm a good person, not some f------ f-----up sinning c------er. F--!

If God loves me so d--- much, why the f--- did he give me this s-- eating mental disorder? I have prayed and f------ prayed.

Oh Lord, why the f--- have you forsaken me?

F------ Mary, F------ Beaverton

FMFB, your letter shocked me so thoroughly I had to douse my eyes with holy water before I could steady my pen to reply. You are in urgent danger, Mary, but your problem isn't Tourette's Syndrome--it's Beelzebub's Syndrome!

Many so-called Liberal Theologists teach that witchcraft and the occult are just "superstitions," which "modern" Christians need not fear. So they gleefully partake in Satan-baiting festivities such as Halloween pumpkin sacrifice, disco "raving," and nude "life drawing," fooling themselves that Jesus Christ approves of their "modern" degeneracy. Then, when Satan's minions invite themselves in through the back doors left carelessly ajar by their spiritual flagitity, when they and their children start to exhibit signs of DEMONIC POSSESSION--disrespect to elders and clergy, unmitigable profanity such as yours, tight-fitting apparel and crude, wanton hankerings--then these "rational" Christians invite a cadre of scientists to explain away the damage as Tourette's Syndrome, Multiple Personality Syndrome, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome or other such balderdash.

FMFB, you've spoken with these so-called experts--but for all their professional "mumbo-jumbo," could any of them heal you of your wretched frothing, your lewd romping, or your inchoate craving? Who among them could cast out that black fulminator within you?

Only God has the power to push out this profane parasite whose puerile pottymouthings pester and punish you. If the leader of your congregation is unable or unwilling to help, I urge you to deliver yourself unto my office at the newly renovated House of Mary's Bloody Lamb on NE 82nd Avenue. With God's Love, nothing is f----.